The proliferation of medern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which languages you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
other and saying, "That's me over there."
Fortran:You shot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "SHOOT AT HIS FEET!!"
Modula/2:After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Cobol: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
Lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds.....
Assembly:You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rapidly shooting everyone in sight.
SmallTalk:You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, and then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the left foot.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
sh, csh, etc: You can't remember the syntax for anyting, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
APT: You cut a perfect bullethold in your foot, and shoot through it. [Note to the naiive: APT is the oldest computer language currently in use -- Automatic Programming of Tools]
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
Motif: You spend days wiring a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL, Version 2: @#&^$%&%^ foot
BCPL: You shoot yourself somewhere in the leg -- you can't get any finer resolution than that.
VMS: %SYS-F-FTSHT, foot shot (fifty lines of traceback omitted)
Unix: % ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm *.o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
JCL: You shoot yourself in the head just thinking about it.
MSDOS: You shoot yourself in the foot, but can unshoot yourself with add-on software.
Picospan: You can't shoot yourself in the foot because you're not a host.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Oracle: The menus for coding foot_shooting have not been implemented yet and you can't do foot shooting in SQL
Hypertalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
posted by Deedee 4:36 PM
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
