Thursday, July 11, 2002

 

ok. I think I can blog like a normal person now. No big words. (the really bad things is, I've been talking in big words all day).

So I have boiled it all down to this one problem: I'm frustrated. For several reasons. First, I'm frustrated because I don't feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose at work. I have worked all this week and gotten almost nothing done... Somehow I have this mad idea that I'm supposed to contribute more than I cost... And I think I've actually accomplished about $30 woth of work today.... but I "cost" the company $300+. (Plus, I probably used at least $5 worth of paper this week). So I'm not really sure what to do. I've been working... I've been (for the most part) working hard. But I can't finish anything, because things keep changing before I get them done...and that frustrates me. I have some innate need to feel needed, and to feel like I'm important. And I'm not getting there this week.

Second, I'm frustrated because I can never seem to express myself the way I want to. I try to say something, and it comes out wrong, or it just doesn't come out, or I sound stupid, or I want to say something and I can't.... so I end up replaceing what I was going to say with some random filler. Like "grrr". It's not that I don't want to say something, it's hat some part of me is not functioning properly... so everything gets clogged up. And then, given enough time, I explode. Like I have been a great deal of this summer. I hate not being able to communicate.

I also hate exploding.

And being unpredictable... although predictability wasn't so great, either.

I just wish, every once in a while, that I was normal. Or at least close. I wish my brain functioned like normal people's brains. And that I could understand other people. Especially girls. I don't understand girls. I wish I could interact well with other people. I wish people could understand that I'm not the smart one, or the quiet one, or the loud one, or the dorky one.... That I just am. I wish people wouldn't assume that because I read a lot I'm smart, or because I like programming that it's easy, or that because I'm interesting in the Holocaust I'm obssesed with Hitler.

And every once in a while (we're talking once in a blue moon) I wish I was a real girl. I wish I could own a hundred pair of shoes, or buy a dress new at the Limited, or buy put on makeup and not feel guilty for wasting time/money/space, or feel like a dumb girl. And I want to be able to talk to other girls and not feel like I don't belong, or feel like i need to change the subject to something I'm familiar with.

But I'll get over it. I always do.

posted by Deedee 3:18 PM