So this is my story. I intended to get up at 7am this morning, and study for my two tests today, but I couldn't get up this morning... so I got up at 8am. And my roommate told me I was lazy. And I went and studied for my micro test in the Cafeteria. I thought i had everything from the book and the lecture slides pretty well down when I headed to class... But the test wasn't on the lectures. Or the slides. Or the book. In fact, I don't know what the test was on... or how we were supposed to know how to work it. And the proctor (Dr. Little is out of town) had never taken a Micro course, so she was no help. So I'm pretty sure I failed the test. After talking to the rest of the class, I determined that everyone failed the test, but that's not making me feel much better right now. So then, I go to computer science class, and Sean was upset because he got a bad grade on the presenation (85)... then I felt bad, because I didn't organize more group meetings for him to practice his presentation... then we reviewed for Thursday's test. And then, still bummed because I failed a test, I started walking to my Linear Algebra test... I looked both ways, and crossed in the crosswalk... And for the third time in as many days, I was hit by a car. They like, didn't even stop at the stop sign... if I hadn't stepped back, they would have hit me squarely.... but instead, all they did was catch me with their mirror. And that pissed me off. They didn't look to see if I was ok, or anything... grr. So I walked on. I wanted to be destructive or something... so I went to kick a rock and hope it broke something... but I missed the rock (note: people with no depth perception shouldn't kick rocks) and fell flat on my butt. Even more frustrated, I picked myself up, and continued on to my Linear test.... and I think I C'd it. Which really sucks, because I actually had an A in Linear. And because I knew the stuff... I just couldn't concentrate. I couldn't do it.
Which has been most of my problem this semester. It's not that i have 18 hours... I've taken 18-19 hours before... it makes things a little rough, but that's not what's killing me this semester. It's a combination of everything... Granny being in the hospital for the last month and a half... problems with Elisa... being sick... not having Chad here... looking at my friends who are graduating/have graduated and realizing that none of them have jobs... trying to figure out if I'm going to have a job *in Colorado* when I graduate (I was promised a job in Huntsville... but that doesn't help me much right now)... trying to balance my finances... trying to explain to Elisa why I'm not moving off campus with her... trying to figure out what dorm I'm going to live in... not being able to breathe... having at least two teachers turn into total assholes... having my project groups give me huge amounts of stuff to do ("you're smarter than us, so you have more time to do this stuff").... it all adds up. I can only take so much before I explode.... And I'm about there right now. I'm so close to graduation.... but I don't know if I'm going to make it... I seriously don't know if I'm going to survive this semester, much less handle three more semesters... I keep telling myself it gets better, but I'm not really sure it does.
I am so tired... I can't concentrate... I can't think... and I have two more labs to finish this week, plus two more tests and a project design document... all before Friday. Plus, Elisa's pissy because I told her I'm not moving off campus with her... and now she's trying to figure out how she's going to find another girl to room with her and the guys. I just couldn't deal with her AND Silas AND Corvelle... Elisa's hard enough to deal with. I am so sick of her hunting me down when I'm out too late and asking me to come home because she's lonely... and her using my computer... and wearing the clothes that I laid out to wear today... and whining about getting married... and lecturing me on the morals of TV producers, and my morals, and my life... And constantly reminding me that I cant finish anythng I start... I just can't deal with it right now...
That's the other thing. I've been putting off everything emotional... I don't have time to deal with it, so I box it up somewhere, and claim I'll deal with it later. But when is later? will i be any less busy this spring? Or summer? Will I ever deal with all this crap? or will I just let it pile up until I have a nervous breakdown? I don't have time to deal with it now... but it will only be worse later. I think I need to take a weekend off... away from project groups and Esa and my family and everything... and go somewhere and sort myself out again. And then, maybe... Maybe I'll be able to function like a normal person again.
But it's not going to happen this weekend.... I have group meetings all weekend. But I did promise William that we would go out Friday night... so I'll get a little time away. Which will be nice. In the meantime, I guess I had better go study. Or nap. Or something.
posted by Deedee 2:30 PM
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
