Holiday depression has set in... work and family and home and chrimma and nothing's done and nothing's clean and presents and stressing and family and Granny and I haven't been here enough and... yeah. As usual, I'm a little overwhelmed. Tomorrow (Chirstmas Eve) I'm supposed to put in 10 hours and still make it to christmas at my Granny's house, which may be at like, 4pm, or might be some other time, we don't know yet, and it may last an hour or 2 or 6... I don't think 10 work hours is going to happen. But we'll see.
Going to Memphis will be a well needed vaction... things are always crazy there, but not as crazy as here... I mean, really.... three working people in a house with one car (mine is still in starkvegas, with a (hopefully) fixed gas leak)... it's crazyness.
Why in all this crazyness do i insist on being a perfectionist? Why is nothing ever good enough? Why do I always stress that I burnt the cheesecake or I bought the wrong type of ham or the kids are wearing ratty clothes to Granny's or I'm not working enough hours or I'm not spending enough time at home or I'm not smart/pretty/industius enough.... Why can't I just relax? Why do i feel like people will hate me if I don't get whatever random thing I'm stressing about done? aaagggghhhh. I will never never never figure out how my mind works.
So yeah... this pulls it all together:
I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But you're sayin' You love me
And you're still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me...
I'm gonna get it right this time
I'll be strong and I'll make you proud
I've prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down (again)...
~ Chris Rice
And this one...
Lying on pillows we're haunted and half-awake
Does anyone hear us pray "If I die before I wake?"
Then the morning comes and the mirror's another place
Where we wrestle face-to-face
With the image of deity
~ Chris Rice posted by Deedee 5:01 PM
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
