This is my brain..... in part, at least.

Moving.

2010-02-18T13:32:00.002-06:00

This is the last Blogger blog entry for me - they will no longer support FTP here in a few weeks, and I don't want to mess with their new system. You can find my new blog (inlcuding all of this content!) at http://lydaalexander.com/wordpress/.

WFMW: Lent.

2010-02-17T12:20:00.002-06:00

So today is Ash Wednesday. Thus the start of Lent.

Picking something for Lent was hard this year. I don't always do it, especially now that I go to the Church of Christ - they aren't big on liturgical stuff, so it gets lost sometimes. And I don't always go the traditional route, something I give up something by way of an attitude or feeling or somethign else abstract, or use the time to cultivate a good habit or whatever. But I digress.

So this year was hard.

Back, before... before I found out I was pregnant, when i was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do about having another child, to try for VBAC or go with the c-section or whatever... back then, I decided that if/when we did this again, I would cut out most of my refined starches - white sugar, white potatoes, white flour, the whole bit - in an attempt to have a normal sized baby (and thus avoid another c-section - most docs won't VBAC with 9+ pounders, so I was trying to tip the scales a bit).

Fast forward to yesterday... I am still weighing the options of VBAC, but given the short time frame since my last, my amount of anxiety over having another labor/birth experience as traumatic as the last, an a huge number of other factors... it's looking more like a c-section. Which has actually given me a fair bit of peace, which is somehting I didn't expect. So yeah. I'm all good with it. But my "avoid refined starches to avoid an OMG big baby" plans... went right out the window, because 1) I figured out early on it probably won't matter so much and 2) ummm.... life. So refined starches are easy, whole foods are hard and take time and can't be bought through a drive-through window.

Add all this to the fact that I'll be on a cruise the beginning of next month... yes, this year is hard.

So I decided that refined starches is too much to give up, given my life craziness, sanity level, and travel plans. But... White Potatoes. I can totally give that up for 40 days, right? No hash browns, no french fries, no baked potatoes, no potato soup.... And maybe, it will have the effect of reducing my overall refined start intake (how could it not?), thus possibly helping me to not grow a giant baby, lol.

Either way, I can probably eat healthier without them (especially the fries).

So that's what works for me for Lent this year.

For more sharp Works for Me Wednesday tips, head over to Kristen�s at We Are That Family.

�You get used to it. Or you suffer a psychotic episode.�

2010-02-15T11:09:00.005-06:00

This. Actually, that sums up just about exactly where I am. Except maybe - just maybe, I'm a little closer to the psychotic episode than I would care to admit.

I'm joking. A little.

So this week. This week has been hard. Chad's working nights, flight-following for his crew, I've been sick, plus I'm still exhausted from being pregnant (um. Consider this a blog announcement, I guess. I'm too tired to do it up right. we're due August 17th.), plus Brianna's going through her second (third?) section of separation anxiety... and yeah. Crazy stuff abounds. I send a fiery email to my MMO group about having no life and them wanting every second of what I have. True story. I felt a little bad afterward.

But... we are surviving. And. We are making progress.

So. I'm going to play "Not Me! Monday." Here goes:

I did not let Brianna sleep in the swing in my room pretty much all night several nights in a row because it was easier than fighting with her to stay asleep in her room by herself. Also, on Saturday night when I decided she needed to stay in her room to sleep - all night, it was not because the swing batteries were dead, and I couldn't find a screwdriver. I did not sleep in her room on the floor for over an hour, to make sure she was really asleep. And last night, I most certainly did not give in and take cold medicine, which I knew would cause me to be too drugged up to find my way out of the bed when she woke up, and I did not let her cry it out in the middle of the night because of the aforementioned lack of direction out of the bed.

For more Not Me! Monday, head over to MckMama's blog.

In unrelated news, I had an awesome Valentine's yesterday, in spite of the fact that we had no babysitter, and Chad had to work all night (and the night before). If you have (a ton) of money to spend on dinner at some point, I highly recommend Killen's in Pearland. Don't be fooled by the outside - it's a really nice steakhouse, not a honky tonk, lol. And it was good. And Brianna behaved, so all was well.

2010-02-01T14:54:00.003-06:00

Brianna,

Today you are a year old. Even as I write that, it is hard for me to understand. An entire year. Of you. It doesn't seem like it could have possibly been that long.

And yet, there you are. You've grown so much from the little tiny thing we brought home from the hospital... You're independent and smart and stubborn and all of the great things I could have hoped for you when you were born. You constantly amaze me with the things you learn and understand - you pick up so much, even when we're not really sure we're teaching you. You have an amazingly sweet spirit - you love people, and animals, and seem to make friends wherever we go.

You are walking - running, and want to be on your own feet everywhere we go. Even though you only have two teeth, you love grown-up food and would eat chicken at every meal if we let you. You love to give hugs and kisses, and this morning, for the first time, you responded to my request to "give mommy kisses" by planting a big slobbery toddler kiss on my cheek. You understand so much more of the world that I would have thought possible for a one-year-old.

I hope your next year is as special and amazing as your first - and that you every bit as much this year as you did last year. I am starting to miss my baby - but I am loving the girl you are turning into, and looking forward to seeing you grow even more as a person day by day.

Happy birthday, sweet girl.

Love,
Mommy

Better late than never...

2010-01-08T15:38:00.003-06:00

So. Let me see if I can sum up.

I did NaNo this year... and only fell short by about 7000 words (I'm going to blame sickness and travel for not winning this year. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it). It was awesome, and I will probably participate again in 2010. 'Nuff said.
Had a very awesome (but completely crazy and also full of drama on pretty much every front) trip home for Christmas and New Years. Did not visit half the people we intended to, but visited a few we weren't planning to, so I guess it worked out. Brianna had a great time and now has way too many toys that make noise.
I got to hold my first ever nephew! When he was only a few hours old! And it was awesome. I am an Aunt. A *real* aunt, no matter what other people might tell you about. And that's all I have to say about that, as well.
I made a ton of New Years resolutions. Sadly, most of them aren't blog appropriate quite yet. Suffice it to say, not much has changed (resolution-wise) since this time last year. Except I've given up on the losing weight thing - my goal is to not gain a ridiculous amount of weight this year. I figure that one's more attainable, lol.
Brianna will be a year old in a couple of weeks. Blows my mind. She's walking (running), chattering up a storm (there's words in there, but we don't understand them yet), and generally finding every bit of trouble she can to get into. She is very good at getting into trouble :-)
And that's really all I have to say for the moment. I will really try to get online and update a little more frequently, but I got a half-dozen Lego video games for Christmas, so I'm not sure how well that will actually go ;-)

Would you forgive me love / If I danced in your shower

2009-12-15T15:47:00.002-06:00

So I suck at updating. Welcome to my life, dears.

Brianna is walking. And has a tooth. Both of these things are awesome and also scary. The good news? we mostly weaned before the appearance of said tooth.
Also, she has given up on formula. She weaned her own sweet self onto cows milk, which is early, earlier than I had intended, but I'm rolling with it. I'm just trying to make sure she gets enough iron - and we'll all be good.
And she's eating table food like it's going out of style. She took down an entire happy meal Sunday night, while we were killing time waiting to see if Chad was going to get admitted to the hospital overnight - long story. The point is, she's only 10-months old, and ate 4 chicken nuggets and all her fries. And drank 8 oz of milk. There is no way a child that small should be able to hold that much, lol.
I did NaNoWriMo this year. I didn't win, but i came really close - 43000 words or so. I blame my being sick, and out of town for the last weekend in Nov for not winning. But it was a pretty good experience overall, at any rate.
Getting ready for the Great Christmas Tour - with an added complication of a 10-month-old added to the already crazy 12+-hour drive with dog and cat and presents. If you want to get together whilst we are back home - let me know, and we'll see what we can do.
Also, Brianna will have a new little cousin (on her Daddy's side) sometime this month. Probably sooner rather than later. We're looking forward to meeting him!

There are other things, but my mind is mushy. Being sick (all the time) sucks, and I'm hopping to be done with it soon. (Probably just in time to create another germ carrier to make us sick all the time, lol).

to write... or not to write.

2009-09-15T14:56:00.001-06:00

So it's September. Which means it's almost October. which means (you guessed it) November is fast approaching. And November is NaNoWriMo. Which means that this year - like every year before it - I'm going to spend the next couple of months lamenting the fact that I'm not a writer.

By a writer, I don't neccessarily mean published or publishable (although that would be awesome). Nor do I mean that I would want to do it fulltime. I just mean having the ability to put words on paper so that it tells a story in a way that someone else can appreciate it.

I aspire to write, don't get me wrong. I even, occasionally, attempt to write. And then I go back and read what I attempted to write... and it sucks, y'all. I mean, it is really cringeworthy. REALLY. Not being modest, here. All of my stories devolve into plotless meandering nothings, populated by ridiculous characters that have think and act like middle schoolers, whatever their age is supposed to be. And that makes me sad.

And so my fear of being bad at writing keeps me from writing - writing, in my mind, is a hobby that isn't much fun if you're not good at it... unlike, say, RockBand, which is arguably more fun if you are not good at it (as long as you turn on No Fail).

But then I think about some of the books I've read - truely horrible works that somehow managed to get published, juvenile one-dimensional characters and all. And I think... surely, my writing isn't that bad, is it? Couldn't I write a story that would be good enough, at least, for me to allow someone else to look at it? Or maybe just good enough for me to go back and look at, without wanting to destroy it?

So this year. I will write. And I probably won't finish. But I will not let my fear of being bad at it stop me from trying, this time. At the end, I probably still won't consider myself a "writer"... but who knows. Maybe I'll learn something in the process.

milestones...

2009-08-24T12:14:00.001-06:00

As of today, I have been with Chad for 1/3 of my life. Which seems totally crazy - and yet, completely believable all at the same time. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else :-)

the hardest to learn was the least complicated

2009-07-30T13:44:00.002-06:00

Things I've learned today:

There are no bathing suits* that will make my poor post-baby body look like anything resembling someone who has never had a baby.
Target either never sold, or is now sold out of, one-piece bathing suits. Target, how could you fail me like this?
Tweets, which seemed insightful at first glance, are even more insightful and make much more sense in context.
Sunkist is sweeter and more caffeinated than I remember.
Sugar + Caffeine + not enough sleep = super wired. I don't know why I forgot this. My eyeballs are pinging. Seriously.
Having my brain moves faster than I can type is problematic.

That is all.

* at least at shops that I can afford to shop at

just dance, gonna be okay / da-doo-du-dum

2009-07-29T14:15:00.002-06:00

I'm a-gonna have house guests, I'm a-gonna have house guests... and talk, and do fun things, and go to the beach! And maybe be a girl for a while.

Although the going to the beach thing might be interesting as I don't currently have a bathing suit that fits, and since I'm a mommy now it's generally frowned upon to go skinny-dipping in the ocean (at least in front of other people's kids). Although, come to think of it, it was probably frowned upon before i was a mommy, too. So we'll see what happens - I'll probably either end up wearing an ill-fitting one-piece swimsuit from high school (oh yes, I still have it), or an ill-fitting two-piece from before I had stretch marks and 25 pounds of baby fat. Either way, it should be fun.

And Brianna has a bathing suit, at least, so it should make for some cute pictures (as long as I stay out of them!).

Man there's so many times / I don't know what I'm doin' / Like I don't know now

2009-07-28T11:32:00.003-06:00

Be thinking about my dad - he's in the hospital again, and we don't really know why. Apparently (I get all my news 2nd hand at best) last night he started getting really really confused - like he thought he and mom were married in 1988 (try '79?), and that I was born in February (of this year) and lots of other stuff like that. At first, they thought maybe it was his blood sugar, but apparently it isn't, so now he's on the neurology floor of the hospital, waiting for the doctors to figure it out. CT scan showed nothing any more abnormal than usual, but they tend to be pretty unreliable for Dad since he's had so many head issues. So we're waiting for the MRI, and whatever else they care to run while he's there.

Meanwhile, I'm full of nervous energy (not in a good way), and running on caffeine and adrenaline. The baby hasn't slept much, and i have slept even less, and I'm second guessing my parenting abilities (at least as far as sleep scheduling goes...). So here's some snark, to hopefully help me diffuse some of my negative energy, lol.

Five things for five people who will (probably) never read them:

You're better off without him. Just don't immediately latch yourself onto the next piece of driftwood that you see - it's ok to be single for more than 5 minutes.
If you have to constantly tell me that something you're doing isn't "bad", you might want to take a second look. Are you justifying to me, or yourself?
The things that bug you now will only be amplified as time goes on - can you live with that? Really?
You have family everywhere around you - don't take that for granted, even if they are crazy. You'll miss them when you leave, I promise. (I do).
Honesty is really the best policy. And it is way less annoying than being lied to. Even on the little stuff.

I'll endure the rain / I will wait an hour more

2009-07-24T13:16:00.004-06:00

Daycare crisis resolved. Yay! We found a school that looks like it may be a better fit for us, and is way cheaper (which was surprising). They (by what can only be the grace of God) had *1* spot in their infant room. All of the other good places were full, or even had waiting lists (I was told at one school they would have room for a 6-month old in February. Which is more than 6 months from now). So we're very glad it worked out. There was much stress in the interim.
Tonight is Parents Night Out. So Chad and I are going out, sans baby, who will be in good company with other little children. No clue what we're going to do yet - dinner or something? At the very least, we're going to go somewhere and pretend that we are real people and not worry about the stroller or when the baby ate last or if she's getting fussy (unless she's so fussy they call us to get her). That's the plan, anyway.
Tomorrow is scrapbooking day again. Yay for getting out! We'll see how much I get done (I need to print more pictures...)
It looks like our insurance will pay for the leaky windows. So yay for that... now we just have to get the work done. And figure out how to do it while still living in the house, since we'll pretty much need to rebuild the back wall of the house. Lucky for me, Chad gets to deal with the logistics of all that.
I watched The Watchmen this week. I don't know what I expected, but that sure wasn't it... at the end of the movie? I still wasn't sure exactly what the point of it was, or who was a good guy and who was a bad guy. Or if there even were good guys and bad guys. And what was up with Dr. Manhattan's super-anatomically-correct nakedness? Anyway. It was ok, but not really great. Maybe if I read the graphic novel or something, it would have made more sense.
I found out this week that not only did the guy who plays Jim Brass on CSI have a bit part Mrs. Doubtfire... he was also in 3 Men and a Baby, and a ton of other random stuff. imdb.
Leverage is in it's new season, and I think it's just as good (or maybe better?) than last season. Funny stuff - when I have time for TV :-)

For more 7 quick takes posts, go to Conversion Diary.

A couple drops and they all start coming down

2009-07-21T10:28:00.002-06:00

Crazy, crazy weekend. Seriously.

Chad was called to KSC, so he left early early Friday morning (he's back now, yay!) - but we didn't know he was going until Thursday night, so it was cray and last minute and stuff. But I survived Friday, just a little lonely and tired from dealing with Brianna, who was a little fussier than normal.

Saturday, we drove all over the place, as Brianna was only happy when we were moving in the car or when she could see something new and different. So we went to Hobby Lobby, Michaels, the Pearland mall - and even drove down to the Baybrook mall, just in time for it to start raining there, and for the power to go out for a few minutes. But overall, the day wasn't too bad. After (Brianna's) dinner, I managed to give her a bath by myself, and took her to sit on the porch swing and go to sleep. It took her a while, and about hte time she started to doze off, a storm blew in. Once it started raining, I went to head inside... I had just gotten to the door when the hail started! I put the baby in her bed and checked the weather - no storm warnings. So I called Chad, to see what he was up to - by this time, I couldn't see the back fence or the end of the driveway through the wind and rain...

While I was on the phone, I realized that there was water pouring in the back door. *Pouring* in. The wind was pushing all the rain right into the back of the house... I went upstairs, and water was pouring in both the nursery window, and our bedroom windows. And the power went out! So I was trying to mop everything up in the dark. Thankfully - at least the baby slept.

Eventually, it stopped raining. Which was good, as I had run out of towels. I was so tired, I went to bed without dinner!

Brianna was up every hour overnight, and I was exhausted by Sunday morning... but i had to go to church, and there was a tea for the preacher's wife, and I had all this stuff to do... so I put the dog out in the yard, and got me and the baby both ready for church. I went to let her back in - and she wasn't in the back yard. She was in the front yard. I thought the yard guys had left the gate open... nope. The storm messed up the fence, so now the gate won't shut. Walking around the yard... I saw that the storm had also exploded our shed. The one we replaced after Ike. Note to future self: Rubbermaid sheds are not weather-proof.

I sent Chad a note, and then headed for church (forgot breakfast) - and then started helping set up the tea (whilst holding a fussy baby!). Luckily for me, there was a ton of food (not diet friendly food, but honestly, I didn't care). So the tea went well, and I managed (with help) to keep Brianna entertained. Once we went home, I worked on gettign her to sleep - which eventually worked, lol. I read part of the no-cry sleep solution book, and went to bed myself. Brianna was still up a lot, but not as much...

Monday morning, she was sooooo fussy. I took her to daycare, and they told me they thought she had thrush! I looked in her mouth, and sure enough, there it was. I felt dumb. So I took her to the doctor, and got medicine for both of us. And took her back to daycare. And come home, to work for a while.

When I picked her up from daycare, her teacher handed me a note saying the daycare was closing. On Friday. Well, shit. Friday?! Seriously?! I was on a waiting list for like, 8 weeks to get into this place! How am I going to find another in just a few days?!

So yeah. I'm working from home and looking at daycare places today. It's been so long since I first looked, it's like starting over - but Chad's supposed to come with me to a couple places today. I'm so frustrated, because Brianna just got settled at this place, and now we have to learn a new routine and a new set of people... Blah.

At least Chad's home to deal with the insurance people. I told him he's never ever ever allowed to travel for work again, unless I can go, too, lol.

Cause perfect only makes you crazy / There is no way that it can save me

2009-07-17T12:50:00.006-06:00

By an interesting set of happenstances, it looks as thought I may have a great deal of free time this weekend. (Assuming you can count any time spent baby wrangling as "free time", anyway). My goals: Not to watch too much TV, to actually accomplish something, and possibly several somethings. More to prove I *can* than anything else. We'll see how that actually works out.
Brianna's doing fine, still fat and happy and we finally got rid of the ear infections. Yay! She's sitting very well now, and trying to pull herself up to a sitting position from laying down (she still needs some help). She loves her solid food, and has been eating like a champ (even prunes!). But not sleeping. Combinations of snuggling her lovey and being swung on the porch swing usually get her to go to sleep... but staying asleep is another story - we've been up 4-5 times several nights, and it sucks (for me anyway). So yeah. Might impact the "getting stuff done" goals of this weekend.
More geek humor, because that's the kind of girl I am.
It seems I spend a lot of time these days asking myself questions - and typically ones that don't have good answers (and mostly parenting related these days). Stuff like, Am I doing this *right*? Do I feed her enough? Too much? Do they feed her too much at daycare? Why am I so behind? Should we be doing more educational activities, whatever that means? Should she still be using a paci? Should she be using a sippy cup? Am I ruining her teeth by letting her nurse to sleep at night? Why are we not sleepign through the night? Will I ever have time to read The No Cry Sleep Solution, to try to solve this? Do we want more kids? When? Should I get a new ob/gyn? When am I going to make it to the dentist? When do I need to take the baby to the dentist? ... ... ... Most of these questions occur to me at like, 4am. Not conducive to great problem solving. But, I guess it all goes with the territory.
I joined a scrapbooking group, which has been fun. they meet a couple times a month to work on pages and socialize and stuff, so I went last weekend and had a great time (even if I only got one page done). It's odd to get out and be social again - I'm kind of out of my comfort zone, but that might be a good thing.
Also went to the local La Leche League meeting - again more being social. They were really nice, not the crazy-breastfeeding-nazi people that I half expected, lol. Lots of good information, and good discussion with other mommies. Still haven't solved my supply problem, but at least I know I'm not alone. And I'm getting out! And talking to people! So I feel a little less isolated.
And I have more socialness this weekend - there's a Women's Tea at church for the new preacher's wife, and I signed up to help, and to bring finger sammiches (which means Sunday morning will be more crazier than usual, lol). Slowly, I'm getting the hang of this whole non-hermit thing. It was so much easier in college... there, you had to work to be a hermit. In the real world, you have to work *not* to be. So Yeah. I'm working on it :-)

For more 7 quick takes posts, go to Conversion Diary.

This is the cow with the crumpled horn...

2009-07-01T10:01:00.003-06:00

So sleep has become a battle at our house. Brianna, going to sleep, at night, in her bed, at a reasonable time, is just something that hasn't been happening. Every night, we go through the same thing - culminating in a whiny, overtired infant who only goes to sleep after an hour (or more) of being held, rocked, and swung, and a mommy who gets nothing done and gets to bed late.

We've been trying to get a consistent bedtime routine. We tried reading stories, lavender lotion/bath stuff, and a ton of other things to help her wind down and sleep. But nothing seemed to help much - I had almost decided that it was a phase we would have to weather.

But then - I saw on one of my mommy boards, an idea to try. So. I tried it. Monday night, I took one of Brianna's soft fuzzy animal things (it's hard to describe, it's like a little blankie, but the center of it is gathered up and made into a little cow. Sounds odd, but it's cute, and really soft), and while i was running through our bedtime routine, I stuffed it in my shirt. Yes, I know this sounds crazy. You should have seen me walking around the hosue with a lovey stuffed in my shirt for an hour. Luckily, Chad was working late that night. He might have had me committed. When it was time to put her to sleep, I put her in the swing (I chickend out of trying the bed right away), and gave her the now-mama-scented lovey. She snuggled it, and talked to it, and was asleep within five minutes. Success!

Last night, we tried the same thing, except - the lovey was already mama-scented, so no need to walk around with a cow in my shirt. And. We actually put her straight in the crib. Gave her the lovey, and she did the same thing - snuggle, chatter, and off to sleep. Success again!

This morning, she was a little whiny getting up to go to daycare, and cried in her car seat... I gave her the lovey, and she was happy.

So that's what works for me. Hopefully, it will keep working! And hopefully, we'll never lose that cow, 'cause I'm sure that would be a meltdown, lol.

For more Works for me Wednesday tips, go to We are THAT Family. (I didn't follow this weeks theme, but I think that's still ok... I didn't have any great recipes to share, since most of my cooking lately has involved driving through a fast food joint, lol).

2009-06-26T12:35:00.005-06:00

Brianna's sitting! well, sort of, anyway - she sits on very stable surfaces (like the floor, not the couch or a mattress - if you put her hands down to help prop her up. But still, it makes me happy. And also scared - here comes the crawl (otherwise known as the ability to get into everything in site!).
Today was the first day I got dressed for work, looked in the mirror, and actually felt like I was looking at me, not my head put on someone else's body. So there's at least light at the end of the tunnel for my post-pregnancy body image issues. In a related note, I may quite possibly buy an entire work wardrobe of crimson and black.
Speaking of post-pregnancy body woes... My feet are bigger. Like, at least a half a size. Enough that most of my shoes are uncomfortable, and some of them I can't even get on at all. Someone warned me this would happen, but I don't think I believed them. Anyone interested in a closet full of shoes?
I hate it when people butt into my parenting and inform me that I'm doing it wrong. For instance, the whole breastfeeding thing. I would never. Never. Never tell a mom that was using formula that she's not doing it right, that she's somehow hurting her child by not breastfeeding. There are so many reasons why it might not work for that person at that time - and in the end, it's totally a personal decision. My decision was to breastfeed, as long as possible. This isn't always easy. My doctor agrees it's the best choice for my situation, and as long as I can do it... keep on it! But the daycare people (or rather, one of them) have been going on from day 1 about how Brianna likes formula better (we supplement as needed), or her bowels would be more regular if she were on formula all the time, or she'd sleep better, or whatever. I was even told that some infants can't take breastmilk, that it's not healthy for them. I call BS. My choice. As long as she's gaining weight, and her doctor is happy, and she's happy - we'll keep doing it. People just need to butt the hell out, seriously. Ok, so that turned into a rant. Sorry. But it was on my mind.
Going to see a nutritionist in a couple of weeks, to hopefully get a diet that helps my supply levels, energy levels, overall health - and if I could lose weight and beat Chad, that would be awesome :-) I hope this will help... I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to lose weight and maintain a milk supply. The weight has to come off (it's not just vanity - my knees and back hurt, I'm exhausted all the time, and I need to be healthy again. Being 40+ pounds overweight isn't conducive to being healthy).
Chad's still winning the biggest loser. I lost 0.2 pounds last week. Yep, you see that right - two-tenths of a pound. Total weight loss: still less than 2 pounds. I need to catch Chad, and win, so that I can spend a ridiculous amount of money on total vanity and silliness. Maybe the nutritionist will help. Or maybe I should just fill the house with Oreos, lol.
It's hot as blazes here, in case you wondered. Like, over-100-hot before you figure in the heat index. Don't get me wrong, I hate cold... but this is unseasonably early to be this hot. It's record-breaking hot, and it's killing me. But at least I have AC in both my car and my house - we love AC. And couldn't live without it.

For more 7 quick takes posts, go to Conversion Diary.

And laid out like cash your take on my list of shortcomings

2009-06-23T09:44:00.005-06:00

This. Again, I wish I had the words to say it this well.

"I wake up each morning telling myself that today I�ll make it a better day, today I�ll do better. And then the sun rises in the sky."

I am the queen of (short-lived, sidetracked by 9am) good intentions. Every day, I decide that:

Today I will get up on time, so I have time to get everything done and eat breakfast without getting stressed or mad or being late to work.

Today I'll eat a healthy breakfast, not whatever I grab going out the door.

Today I'll pack my lunch and not spend extra money buying a most likely unhealthy lunch from the cafe.

Today I'll be a better wife/mother/friend/person in general.

Today I'll resist the urge to eat junk food.

Today I'll remember how much my husband helps me, and I won't yell at him when I'm frustrated because I have too much to do.

Today I'll call/email/facebook that person I haven't talked to in forever.

Today I'll be organized and on top of things.

And pretty much every day, I've blown most of these before I get out the door in the morning... and probably all of them before I go to bed. I whine about not having a system, and worry that I'm failing at life somehow. I often spend so much time concentrating on how I've failed... that I don't concentrate on how to get better... how to pick myself up and start over fresh (day after day, if needed).

"Daily, my good intentions fail, but His compassions for me don�t. And therein lies my hope."

Today I'll try to do better at doing better. And at not concentrating on the failures, but on the successes. And I'll keep moving forward - His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. [Lam. 3:22-23]

You just stick the right formula in / A solution for every fool

2009-06-19T10:33:00.005-06:00

Corporate America & our fine legal system are so awesome. Came across this gem this week:
It is my understanding that we agreed to include the text [...] However, it was not in the terms that the text be legible. It was under the advice of our counsel that we made the text very small and difficult to read.
You have to love it. Or something.
Being a relatively new Smart phone user, I appreciate this. I wish everyone thought that way, really. For example - it may take me a week to get to respond to a personal email. That's just the way it is. I try, but, it happens that way anyway. Sorry?
I thought this was funny. And of course, the follow up here. Just thought I'd share :-)
I love this post from One Thing. I've been thinking about it a lot this week... it sums up a lot of the way I've felt lately. Here's a quote:
But these things don�t matter at all, because once you are Real you can�t be ugly, except to people who don�t understand. [...] I want to be real. I don�t want to demand careful handling. I want those sharp edges to be worn off by that Love that isn�t afraid to be hurt. Can I stop being afraid of breaking long enough to let that happen?
I wish I could say things as clearly and concisely as she did.
I hate feeling like I suck at life. And I feel that way a lot. I hear that parenting small children has that affect on people. I feel like I'm kind of wandering through life, blundering my way along, hoping that I don't get anything too terribly wrong in the process. There has to be a better way?
I thought this was funny. Celebrity ghost twittering, indeed. And more Twitter-ness, on a slightly more serious level.
If anyone has any tips for how to stay healthy (and keep Brianna healthy!) - without just boarding ourselves up in the house and never leaving - I'm all ears. Chad, Brianna, and I have been sick, one thing and another, for like a month. I'd like to be healthy again, please?

For more 7 quick takes posts, go to Conversion Diary.

I'm finished making sense / Done pleading ignorance

2009-06-17T11:12:00.003-06:00

I had the best of intentions to post more last week. The road to hell, and all that, I suppose.

I spent Monday home/at the doctor with a sick baby again. We've had this stupid cold thing (we as in both of us) for like a month. My round of antibiotics made my ear stop hurting but didn't solve the cold (thus reinforcing the fact that it is in fact viral). Dr. put Brianna on antibiotics now, for an ear infection, and finally - finally - finally, we got some cough syrup. There's just not much you can do for sick little babies.

Tuesday she was well enough for daycare, but she's still fighting a cough, still congested, still not sleeping weel. She's just not as "sick" and lethargic and whiny as she was before. Me? I'm worn to the bone. I can't take much in the way of medicines, either, since I'm still nursing. And when Brianna's up at night - so am I. So now I'm at work, downing a billion (non-menthol) cough drops, hoping I eventually get over it.

As for the Biggest Loser contest... I did much better this week (more Zumba, less cake), and managed to lose the 3 pounds from last week, and about a pound and a half more. Which I thought was pretty awesome, til I looked at Chad's weight loss, which is something like 8 and a half pounds in two weeks. I am so gonna lose this challenge. But at least I'm headed in the right direction now?

Still searching for a "system" - I need to make better use of my time or something. Especially now that I'm working out... my time at home is so limited, and I have so much stuff to do. Thinking about trying FlyLady again, but not sure. I should just get off my behind and start doing something, though.

Anyway. That's all for me. For now.

I have no fear of drowning / It's the breathing that's taking all this work

2009-06-09T14:40:00.002-06:00

So the Biggest Loser thing.

I suck at it this week. Here's what I did:

Ate salads for lunch when I was in the office (turned out to be twice, due to sickness - both me and the baby).
Ate healthier dinners. Only had fast food ONCE.
Ate a crap-ton of veggies.
Drank a crazy amount of water.
Did 2 yoga classes and a Zumba class. Was very very sore.
Ate ONE PIECE of chocolate cake. At a party.

End result? I gained three pounds. Suck.

So this week? I'm taking the stairs, and hoping to get more workouts in. Trying to eat more healthy (and less overall, I guess?). This whole thing is complicated by the fact that I'm breastfeeding, so I can't just cut my calories in half and burn it all off... I still have to take in "enough", or my supply will tank - and I'm having enough problems right now, I'd rather not add to them.

So. Hopefully burning a few more calories will help. And maybe eating a few less. Alreay have one Zumba class under my belt... so that's something.

Talk About Tuesday

2009-06-09T09:46:00.003-06:00

Today, I talk about being an overprotective mother (or something) :-)

So we finally moved Brianna out of the cradle and into her crib... but still in our room. The cradle was ridiculously too small - I mean, really. I was afraid she would roll right over the edge and onto the floor one night... and I have no idea what the weight limit on that thing is. So it was time (and probably way past time, at that).

But I wasn't ready to move her out of our room and into the nursery yet. I'm sure it's part laziness - she gets up between two and four times a night to eat, and it's much easier to have her in the same room, and just pull her up into my bed to feed her and then put her right back down. But it's not just that... I feel like she'll be too far away in the nursery - like even with the baby monitor, I might not hear her or something. She just still seems so little to be in her own room...

So yeah, there you have it. My 4-month old is still in the master bedroom. She won't be a baby forever... I guess I'm just trying to hold onto what I can :-) Eventually, we'll move her into the nursery. Before she graduates to a toddler bed, we hope.

Head over to the Lazy Organizer for more Talk About Tuesday.

Rolled in late about an hour / No cup of coffee, no shower

2009-06-05T12:40:00.004-06:00

Brianna is now 4 months old. This is amazing to me... Where did the time go? She's happy and healthy (except a cold that we've been fighting), and learning new things every day. She's teething (yay!) and eating solid food (baby oatmeal and Gerber 1st foods veggies and fruits). Her favorite food, to date, is probably Sweet Potatoes. And just today, she moved from just using vowel noises, to using the "b" sound... so now she sounds like "bub-bub-bub-bub" - which is funny. She even does it with her paci in her mouth, which is even funnier.
Moms don't get sick days. I don't think I fully groked that concept until this past week. But we survived :-) With lots of help from Chad.
I am badly in need of a routine. And a few extra hours in the day. But if anyone has any great advice for morning or evening routines to make sure that baby and I are both fed, bathed, and get to sleep/work/daycare on time, that would be awesome. If the house could be kept clean in the process, that would be better. Maybe I'll try to FlyLady system again...
Chad and I are doing a Biggest Loser challenge. We started June 1st, and we're runnign until Oct. 1st - hopefully I'll drop this baby weight. So expect some updates here, as maybe it will keep me motivated (we put a large amount of money on the line, so you would think THAT would keep me motivated, but I can probably use all the help I can get). Hopefully, but October, I'll fit in a clothes size that only has one number. Or at least one that I can buy at Ann Taylor without ordering online.
As part of the losing weight thing, I've started working out at the Y. They have free childcare, and lots of workout classes, so it's seeming to work out ok (except it takes even more time out of my day). I've gone to two Yoga classes so far... and OOWW. I mean. I *knew* that when Brianna was born, they cut my abs apart and stapled them back together... but I didn't really think about it until I started trying to do these yoga moves, and i went to use my ab muscles... and they weren't there! I mean, they were gone! So I have a lot of work to do to get back to my pre-pregnancy hotness (pre-pre-pregnancy, I guess). Or something. Meanwhile, I'm just sore. But there's a Zumba class tomorrow, so maybe that will help (lol).
I joined Twitter. Sadly, I joined only because I found a cool app for it on my phone and I wanted to use it. But now I'm addicted. Although my tweeting waxes and wanes as I have time/interest (like my blogging!).
Chad and I are trying to convince some people to move out here. What else is new? But this time, it might work? Really, though, with our luck, everyone will come at once, and we'll be stacking friends on top of each other when they stay with us while looking for a place of their own :-) Actually... thinking about it, that would be awesome. So. Yeah. Please move here? We need more people from back home. :-)

For more 7-Quick-Takes posts, go to Conversion Diary

In lieu of real content...

2009-06-04T14:29:00.002-06:00

A meme. I have real content, in my head, but it hasn't made it into blogger yet. Blame the plague or something (Brianna and I have both been sick off and on for like, two weeks).

I am... really tired. All the time now, it seems.

I want... to magically lose all this baby weight. :-)

I have... a beautiful daughter.

I wish... that I could spend more time recording these moments with her... they're going by fast.

I know... this too shall pass.

I hate... feeling inadequate.

I fear... being a "bad" mommy (whatever that means).

I hear... Nothing. Stupid ears are plugged up, I've probably been shouting at people all day.

I crave... Starbucks.

I search... for more time in my day!

I always... worry about stupid little things.

I usually... miss the forest for the trees.

I am not... patient.

I miss... time with friends.

I love... my husband. :-)

I never... say never?

I rarely... get everything done.

I cry... way too much, it seems.

I lose... at most games :-)

I should... work on being more healthy.

I worry... about everything.

I dream... of sleep, lol.

I was... reading blogs when I found this :-) Go check out One Thing.

I'm not a princess / This ain't a fairy tale

2009-05-06T13:40:00.003-06:00

This.

Seriously. I mope a lot sometimes ("a lot sometimes"... does that even make sense?) that I don't have time / space / energy to maintain the kind of fierce oh-it's-3am-and-you-need-to-talk?-No-problem! friendships that I had in college. I mean, sure, I have friends now. A few even live in the same town, imagine that. But between the job, the commute, the baby, and the husband (who has his own job and commute) - I feel sometimes like I don't see everyone. Or anyone. Or have time to actually have any kind of meaningful relationship. Even my bible study group (which I love!) has been a little more distant this year, in part due to the fact that we're meeting on Wednesdays and have limited time, and in part due to the fact that I missed like, 2 months or something while I was still getting my feet under me after Brianna was born. So sometimes I feel a little... detached.

So yeah. nice to know I'm not the only one. And to be reminded that (while people and outside relationships are important)... I can still be "attached" to Someone, even when I don't feel it. And maybe that detached feeling... is actually a sign that I should explore exactly where my comfort and security are coming from, and make sure my priorities are in line with what they should be.

She's a good girl / Crazy 'bout Elvis

2009-04-28T10:09:00.000-06:00

So time is flying by like I would have never believed. I feel like I'm amazing busy, and yet I have accomplished pretty much nothing except for feeding, changing, and holding Brianna.

So here's the story, from the beginning:

I was scheduled to be induced starting the night of Sunday, Feb 1. Since I'd been having contractions for like, 2 weeks, I was pretty annoyed that it looked like it was coming to this. So Saturday, when I woke up with (still more) regular contractions, I decided we were going to go walk around until I went into labor :-) So Chad and I went to the mall, Circuit City, Barnes and Noble, World Market, Michael's, the framing store next to Michael's... and pretty much everywhere we could think of. When the contractions were around 3 minutes apart and had been for like, 3 hours, I finally consented to go to the hospital.

At the hospital, they monitored me for an hour, then another hour, then told me that even though I was having contractions, I wasn't *actually* in labor. And that I could go home. So I cried a lot, because I knew I had to be in labor, and I had this crazy fear of being sent home and then having the baby in the car on the way back (we don't live particularly close to the hospital). After some more crying (by me), and some arguing (by Chad), they agreed to keep me overnight in the antepartum unit for monitoring, which wasn't optimal (four women in a room, lots of light and noise), but was waaaay better than going home. But at midnight or so, there was a serious influx of pregnant women or something, so they put me in a real L&D room. By this point, I was contracting hard enough that I couldn't sleep through them, so I got them to give me some pain meds. And I slept. It was awesome.

Until around 3am. When I woke up to a pop, and a huge amount of water leaving my body. I scared the crap out of Chad, who ran to find a nurse. The nurses cleaned me up, and confirmed that yes, my water had broken, so I wasn't going home, and there was meconium, so we would need NICU standing by when I delivered (just in case). I went back to sleep (yay for the pain meds that hadn't worn off), and slept for a couple more hours.

When I woke up, I tried to sit up. This caused the rest of my water to drain (who knew I had that much in me?)... in my still slightly drugged state, I thought the water absolutely had to be draining out of my brain or something. And that I would deflate, entirely, because I had no water anywhere in my body anymore, and aren't humans like, 60% water or something? Thankfully, my slightly drugged state made this thought slightly amusing rather than panic inducing. Nurses came and cleaned me up, and I decided I was done sleeping.

I labored on, making very little progress, until about 9am when they started me on pitocin. Then I started to progress a little. By noon, I had progressed enough to get an epidural. The pain meds were long gone and I was hurting, but managing to power through it up to this point... I knew I would need an epi at some point, but intended to put it off an hour or two. But the nurse was really pushy, and made me feel stupid for not getting one right that second. So I got one. And it was pretty awesome.

At 3:20, the doctor (not my doctor, but the one on call) told me I wouldn't be able to deliver the baby, and I needed a C-Section. Since there was nothing wrong with me or the baby at this point, and I was still progressing pretty well, Chad and I refused. The doctor was pissed, but she left. And the nurse was awesome.

And I labored on. And on. And the TV didn't work, but they fixed it, but it broke again almost immediately, and I was still in labor. I got Chad to give me ice chips (that I wasn't supposed to eat, only to suck on), and I was starving but not allowed to eat food, and I was still in labor. I got to like, 9.5cm. And I was still in labor. And at this point, it felt like I as going to die. I was having contractions what felt like *all the time*, and each contraction felt like a watermelon was about to come out of my backside. I kept telling the nurses that I felt all this pressure, and they kept checking me and telling me I wasn't a 10 yet. At this point, the contractions were so intense that I couldn't see once they started. Chad kept telling me to breathe, but that was pretty difficult, too. All the panting and breathing left me parched, so Chad was trying to feed me ice chips in between contractions. At some point, they gave me oxygen. I have no clue how long this went on, but I'm pretty sure I was in this stage of labor for about 3 years. I alternated between being sure the baby would slide out any second, and thinking that I couldn't possibly do this, and I was going to die because the baby was going to split me open.

And then they said I had a fever. Which was scary - it meant I needed to have the baby pretty close to now, and yet awesome - because it meant I needed to have the baby pretty close to now. Chad made the nurses leave and asked me what I wanted to do... and I was torn. And exhausted. And still contracting, so really unable to make decisions. So in the end, he decided for me that we needed a C-section - which was exactly what needed to happen. They I had this fear that I would be hysterical and they would have to knock me out and I'd miss the whole thing - which made me hysterical. So I had to calm myself down before we could let the nurses back in.

So they stopped the pitocin. And my contractions became more bearable. Which was awesome. They got scrubs for Chad, and cleaned me up for surgery. They wheeled me in to the OR, leaving Chad outside... I impressed everyone by moving myself from the bed to the operating table (since my legs were supposed to be dead at this point)... the doctor came in, and said "I told you that you wouldn't be able to birth this baby" - which pissed me off. But I didn't say anything. Because she was about to cut me open.

The anesthesiologist was awesome, chatting me up to try and get me relaxed. He was excited that we didn't know if it was a girl or a boy, since pretty much everyone finds out. The doctor started to cut, and I started to panic because they hadn't brought Chad in yet... but they managed to get him in there before they got the baby out. When they pulled the head out, the anesthesiologist said that I had tried hard :-) (Brianna was a little cone headed right at first). I felt the doctor pull her out, which was pretty awesome, and they said "it's a girl" and I could hear her cry. Then 11 billion people gathered around her on the exam table, and I could just see her ear (which was pink and perfect. Which made me happy).

Then I was distracted by the fact that someone was rearranging my insides, and it hurt a lot. I mean, seriously. It felt like they pulled all the organs out of my body from my lungs to my intestines, and were poking all of them and then trying to squish them back in. Not pleasant. Apparently, my epi was not functioning correctly. About this time, the anesthesiologist sent a nurse running to another room for something to put in my IV, and then doctor said "I can't wait, she's bleeding!" Which sent my heart rate through the roof, and set off all the alarms, because I thought I was going to die or something. The alarms going off didn't really do anything to calm my fears, and no one would tell me or Chad what was happening. But the anesthesiologist put something in my IV, and I don't remember much after that. Chad brought Brianna to me at some point, and I remember barely being able to keep my eyes open to look at her... and reaching out to touch her cheek, but not being able to do anything else. I don't even think I got to see her face at that point... I was too out of it.

Then Chad went to the nursery with Brianna, but made it to my recovery room beofre I got there (I think). We called the nursery like, every five minutes, and eventually the nursery nurses brought Brianna to us (I think it was less than an hour, but I still had no concept of time). I finally got to see her - and she was perfect, of course. She nursed (no problems with that! yay!), and I was still kind of out of it (Chad informs me that I called her Katelyn for the first couple hours, which I don't remember). And they let me have apple juice, which was awesome after like, 36+ hours of ice chips. And jello. I had jello. And I was sure that it was the best food ever in the history of the planet.

Honestly, everything after that is even more of a blur. We got put in a postpartum room, I was stupidly tired, and couldn't sleep, Brianna nursed *every 30 minutes* until we gave up and supplemented with some formula, my parents came, and at some point I was allowed to take a shower. Chad was awesome, and took over when I couldn't get in and out of bed or do any lifting, and yelled at the nurses to make sure I got some sleep at some point.

And three months later... we're still doing ok. I'm still sleep deprived, but it's getting better. Brianna no longer eats every 30 minutes (more like every 2.5 hours), and we haven't needed to supplement with formula since we left the hospital. She's grown up a lot... She smiles, laughs, and jabbers at me all day long, and is starting to teethe - which is traumatic, all around :-) She loves to explore things, and is getting better about grabbing what she wants with her hands... it's amazing to watch her grow and learn and change every day. And I wouldn't trade her for anything :-)