notepad, people. I had to type this in notepad. And I had to go to to the Commons to post it. Because my computer refuses to acknowledge that blogger exists. Grrr.
First, I have to say that Chad is the bestest most wonderful awseomest fiancee ever... and he sent me lots and lots of cool stuff for Valentines Day... He sent me flowers, and a binary clock (w00t!), and a beanie critter (it's *so* cute and fuzzy), and three cards. Lots of cool stuff. That I like very much. Especially the clock... because binary clocks are awesome. Chad 0wnz0r5.
So I had this really interesting dream last night... I could speculate about where it came from... my mind trying to compile the
religious/philisophical conversation Sbbn and I had last night... combined with me still trying to sort out this past weekend... combined with four slices of american cheese right before bed... combined with less than 4 hours of sleep... you can call it whatever. But it was interesting. And terribly vivid. Anyway...
I would like to point out that this dream is rather personal... if that bothers you, then don't read it... I don't know what else to say.
So the dream followed somthing like this:
I was sitting cross-legged on a wall. A short wall, maybe 3 feet high... and wide enough that I can sit facing down the length of the wall without falling off. The sun is shining, it's warm... I can smell the grass, the trees, Earth. I am peaceful. I recognize this place... this is my place, the place in my mind I used to go to talk to God. I look up, and Jesus is also sitting cross-legged on the wall, facing me. He is exactly as I remember Him... but I am different. Every other time I have been here, I have seen myself as a little child... Jesus has picked me up and swung me around, and sat me on his lap to talk. But today I am older... and I feel a little ackward... like I have been away for too long.
Jesus looks at me, His brown eyes searching me... "Where have you been?" He asks me. In my mind, I review all the dark valleys I have trudged through... all the time I've felt alone and unprotected. I try to think of the mountaintops... but can only come up with a few. I am silent, unable to look away from His eyes...
"What do you want from Me, Child?" He asks... And I, again, am silent... tears of shame and guilt fill my eyes... How could I be worthy to be His child? I've run so far... I've done so much... how could I ever ask Him for anything? I look away... Sure that if He sees anymore in my eyes, He'll leave. But He doesn't leave... He moves closer to me. He wipes the tears from my face, He holds me, running his fingers through my hair.
"You are not My child because you are worthy of My love," he says. "You are worthy of My love because you are My child." He paused. "What do you want from Me?" He asks again. I struggle for words.
"I don't want to be alone anymore." I finally whisper. The release of having spoken is enormous... I glance up at His face... and He smiles down at me.
"Deedee... precious child. When have you ever been alone?" My eyes fill with tears again.
"You left me alone once in the woods... You didn't help me."
"I love you, and I would never leave you. It was you who left Me. And yet, still, I was there."
"Then why didn't You do something?" I again look up into his face...
"You never asked." The pain in His eyes is as real as the pain I feel... "It was someone else's name you called." And I remember... as if I could ever forget. I called out to Her... but She didn't answer. I was too proud to admit my mistake...
"But at night... I wake up from the same nightmare alone... where are You then?"
"I am right there with you. But when you wake up, you turn away from Me... And yet, still, I am there." Still in my nightmares, I am too proud to admit my mistakes.
"Why do you let me dream about Columbia... and astronauts?" I shudder, the pictures in my mind so much more vivid than the pictures on the news... voices, images, sounds... it's too much for me to handle. I bury my face in His chest.
"I gave you a sensitive heart... I want you to be able to feel for others. You feel this very deeply. And your feelings manifest themselves in your dreams. It will pass, child... and you will grow because of it."
I don't understand... and yet I feel comforted. And safe. And I wake up refreshed.
If I could just sit with You awhile
I need You to hold me
Nothing can touch me
though I'm wounded though I die.
If You could just sit with me awhile
If You would just hold me
Moment by moment
till forever passes by.
So... yeah. Like I was telling Sbbn last night, I'm not usually one to put a lot of stock in visions and dreams and such... but sometimes there's something more there. Did God actually speak to me in my dream? Or did I just filter in what I knew He would say? Or did my mind just make it up?
Something interesting to think about, I suppose, if nothing else.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
