notepad, people. I had to type this in notepad. And I had to go to to the Commons to post it. Because my computer refuses to acknowledge that blogger exists. Grrr.
First, I have to say that Chad is the bestest most wonderful awseomest fiancee ever... and he sent me lots and lots of cool stuff for Valentines Day... He sent me flowers, and a binary clock (w00t!), and a beanie critter (it's *so* cute and fuzzy), and three cards. Lots of cool stuff. That I like very much. Especially the clock... because binary clocks are awesome. Chad 0wnz0r5.
So I had this really interesting dream last night... I could speculate about where it came from... my mind trying to compile the
religious/philisophical conversation Sbbn and I had last night... combined with me still trying to sort out this past weekend... combined with four slices of american cheese right before bed... combined with less than 4 hours of sleep... you can call it whatever. But it was interesting. And terribly vivid. Anyway...
I would like to point out that this dream is rather personal... if that bothers you, then don't read it... I don't know what else to say.
So the dream followed somthing like this:
I was sitting cross-legged on a wall. A short wall, maybe 3 feet high... and wide enough that I can sit facing down the length of the wall without falling off. The sun is shining, it's warm... I can smell the grass, the trees, Earth. I am peaceful. I recognize this place... this is my place, the place in my mind I used to go to talk to God. I look up, and Jesus is also sitting cross-legged on the wall, facing me. He is exactly as I remember Him... but I am different. Every other time I have been here, I have seen myself as a little child... Jesus has picked me up and swung me around, and sat me on his lap to talk. But today I am older... and I feel a little ackward... like I have been away for too long.
Jesus looks at me, His brown eyes searching me... "Where have you been?" He asks me. In my mind, I review all the dark valleys I have trudged through... all the time I've felt alone and unprotected. I try to think of the mountaintops... but can only come up with a few. I am silent, unable to look away from His eyes...
"What do you want from Me, Child?" He asks... And I, again, am silent... tears of shame and guilt fill my eyes... How could I be worthy to be His child? I've run so far... I've done so much... how could I ever ask Him for anything? I look away... Sure that if He sees anymore in my eyes, He'll leave. But He doesn't leave... He moves closer to me. He wipes the tears from my face, He holds me, running his fingers through my hair.
"You are not My child because you are worthy of My love," he says. "You are worthy of My love because you are My child." He paused. "What do you want from Me?" He asks again. I struggle for words.
"I don't want to be alone anymore." I finally whisper. The release of having spoken is enormous... I glance up at His face... and He smiles down at me.
"Deedee... precious child. When have you ever been alone?" My eyes fill with tears again.
"You left me alone once in the woods... You didn't help me."
"I love you, and I would never leave you. It was you who left Me. And yet, still, I was there."
"Then why didn't You do something?" I again look up into his face...
"You never asked." The pain in His eyes is as real as the pain I feel... "It was someone else's name you called." And I remember... as if I could ever forget. I called out to Her... but She didn't answer. I was too proud to admit my mistake...
"But at night... I wake up from the same nightmare alone... where are You then?"
"I am right there with you. But when you wake up, you turn away from Me... And yet, still, I am there." Still in my nightmares, I am too proud to admit my mistakes.
"Why do you let me dream about Columbia... and astronauts?" I shudder, the pictures in my mind so much more vivid than the pictures on the news... voices, images, sounds... it's too much for me to handle. I bury my face in His chest.
"I gave you a sensitive heart... I want you to be able to feel for others. You feel this very deeply. And your feelings manifest themselves in your dreams. It will pass, child... and you will grow because of it."
I don't understand... and yet I feel comforted. And safe. And I wake up refreshed.
If I could just sit with You awhile
I need You to hold me
Nothing can touch me
though I'm wounded though I die.
If You could just sit with me awhile
If You would just hold me
Moment by moment
till forever passes by.
So... yeah. Like I was telling Sbbn last night, I'm not usually one to put a lot of stock in visions and dreams and such... but sometimes there's something more there. Did God actually speak to me in my dream? Or did I just filter in what I knew He would say? Or did my mind just make it up?
Something interesting to think about, I suppose, if nothing else.
Oh yeah... and to quote William (since his blog is password protected):
People that find jokes about what "NASA" really stands for to be funny, need to go somewhere.
and they can take the people that think we should go back to the apollo capsules with them.
I mean really... making jokes about NASA and the Columbia Disaster at this point is a little out of place... A lot out of place. Maybe in a couple of years, it would be less not-ok (it may never be ok)... but right now, when emotions are still raw? You cannot forget the fact that seven people died... seven people who had families... not nameless robots. People. Like me.
And Apollo capsules were not only less efficient, they were still dangerous. and they barely fit three people. And we threw them away after every mission. And started over. Go back to the dark ages where you belong.
This is more or less in response to Brian's latest post... a slightly more personal take on how and why Columbia affected me.
The reason the Columbia disaster affected me so much is because NASA is now, and probably always will be, a signifiant part of my life. NASA is my current job... will probably be Chad's job... and my well be my future job. So anything that potentially hurts NASA, also hurts me, and my family, and affects me as a person. Eveyone I know in Huntsville works in some way with NASA... and for this reason, also affects me.
The Shuttle is a legend... almost sacred. People talk about all our successes, and all of the experiments done in space... and very seldom do we bring up the times that things went wrong... Challenger, and before the Shuttle system, Apollo I. Astronauts are national heros... kids look up to them... Wow, you fly the Shuttle? It's an awesome thing to see... and it's and awesome thing to see launch. And a terrifying sight when somehting goes wrong...
Seven people unexpectedly dying doing something that people you love aspire to do is enough to shake you up a bit... given ten more years and a little bit different set of circumstances, and I could have been waiting out on that runway for Chad to land. I cannot imagine what those families are going through right now...
I'll admit, the feeling while watching the news broadcasts was not the same as 9-11. It wasn't a feeling of terror, where will be struck next, who are these monstors... yada yada... it was a feeling of horror... How could this be happening? what went wrong? Challenger again? A feeling that made you call out Dear God... but left you with no words to follow it. Columbia, unlike 9-11, will not cause classes to be cancelled, or tests to be postponed... but, like 9-11 and Challenger, and the Kennedy assasination... it will be seared into the hearts of everyone who heard about it. We will all know where we were, and what we were thinking when it happened... and hope nothing like it ever happens again.
We lost the Shuttle. For a great deal of time this morning, they didn't know where it was... but it's gone. Columbia is no more. There were no survivors.
What caused it? No one knows, as of yet, but rumors are flying. The media is having a field day... talking about possible terrorist attack, problems with the Shuttle transportation system in general, debris falling from the sky, human remains... until you can't figure out what happened or what's going to happen...
So what does this mean? It means seven people lost their lives... Six of the seven astronauts were married, and five of them had children.
it means NASA will halt for a time while they figure out what went wrong... it may mean a lot of things. Again, rumors are flying. I haven't decided what I think is going to happen... I'm still in shock.
I remember Challenger... unlike most people my age (I was three). I lived in Orlando... I remember seeing it on TV... over and over and over... and not understanding exactly what was going on, but seeing my mother cry... and crying for the pictures to go away... I remember the first time Discovery launched, everyone holding their breath to see if it would make it... and being so excited when it reached orbit. The space program has always been something my family kept track of.... And so my mother called me this morning and woke me up so I could watch the news... and I called Chad... and watched the news all morning. I even watched the president's speech... which was the best speech i think I've ever heard him give...
Here's the text of the president's speech:
My fellow Americans, this day has brought terrible news and great sadness to our country. At 9:00 a.m. this morning, Mission Control in Houston lost contact with our Space Shuttle Columbia. A short time later, debris was seen falling from the skies above Texas. The Columbia is lost; there are no survivors.
On board was a crew of seven: Colonel Rick Husband; Lt. Colonel Michael Anderson; Commander Laurel Clark; Captain David Brown; Commander William McCool; Dr. Kalpana Chawla; and Ilan Ramon, a Colonel in the Israeli Air Force. These men and women assumed great risk in the service to all humanity.
In an age when space flight has come to seem almost routine, it is easy to overlook the dangers of travel by rocket, and the difficulties of navigating the fierce outer atmosphere of the Earth. These astronauts knew the dangers, and they faced them willingly, knowing they had a high and noble purpose in life. Because of their courage and daring and idealism, we will miss them all the more.
All Americans today are thinking, as well, of the families of these men and women who have been given this sudden shock and grief. You're not alone. Our entire nation grieves with you. And those you loved will always have the respect and gratitude of this country.
The cause in which they died will continue. Mankind is led into the darkness beyond our world by the inspiration of discovery and the longing to understand. Our journey into space will go on.
In the skies today we saw destruction and tragedy. Yet farther than we can see there is comfort and hope. In the words of the prophet Isaiah, "Lift your eyes and look to the heavens. Who created all these? He who brings out the starry hosts one by one and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."
The same Creator who names the stars also knows the names of the seven souls we mourn today. The crew of the shuttle Columbia did not return safely to Earth; yet we can pray that all are safely home.
May God bless the grieving families, and may God continue to bless America.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
