And I want to lay my head down on you Edit (1/16): Apparently, it doesn't count if you don't hit "publish". So this has been sitting as a draft for like a week. Ha.
I'm still pregnant. Which isn't surprising, as I'm not quite 38 weeks (so depending on who you ask, I've either been full term for a few days, or I'll be full term on Sunday). But I'm about done. All my joints are swollen (had to take my watch off today... my wrists have swollen that much), and I'm super cranky, and I'm tired all the time. It's kinda annoying. So here's hoping the baby come early. I'll be trying anything (uh... anything I deem safe? I suppose) to coax the little one out in the next week or two. Not only am I seriously uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant...
I'm actually pretty scared of induction at this point. I mean, in some ways it's silly, as it happens all the time, people do it every day... but the thought of pumping chemicals into my body to induce contractions (not to mention the harder labor) seems much scarier to me than say, having my water break while I'm waddling around Wal-Mart (which is also scary). Plus, I've known 4 women who've been induced in the last 9 months - all at different hospitals - and they've all ended up with c-sections. For various reasons, mind you, not all the typical "failure to progress" that's often related to inductions. But still. Scary stuff. That being said, all the mommies and babies came through fine, so it's all good in the end... but I'm trying my hardest to avoid a c-section at this point (at least until the doctor says it's needed, anyway).
This child will not sleep through the night. I mean, we were going good for a while, but the last few nights have been kinda rough... I've been up and down all night, trying to soothe a child that I can't even really touch and coax him/her to stop throwing dance parties while I'm supposed to be sleeping. Last night was a little better, but still... this does not bode well for sleeping through the night later. At least at this point, the silence and lack of crying means that I'm the only one that's awake (in theory... Chad hasn't slept well, either, and I think it may have something to do with my restlessness).
I have had the most bizarre baby-related dreams lately (when the baby has let me sleep, that is). For instance. A couple of weeks ago, I dreamed that Angelina Jolie and I went to a spa. The kind with pink fuzzy bathrobes and everything. And we got pedicures and talked about being mommies. (Seriously. Who dreams of stuff like that?). Last night, I dreamed the baby was about the size of my cell phone, and I kept losing track of where it was - because, as it turns out, Chad kept stuffing it in the pocket of his trench coat. To replace his broken yo-yo, he said (yeah, I don't know either). Later in the dream, I tried to nurse the baby (because it had somehow morphed to normal size), but my boobs fell off. (Sorry... that might have been TMI, but in retrospect, it was pretty funny).
Work is crazy right now, as I'm trying to get a ton of stuff done before I go out on leave, which could be any day, but will probably be in like, two weeks or so. That level of uncertainty is a little unsettling for everyone, and to make it worse the girl who was supposed to take over some of my bigger day-to-day duties... is stuck in China right now, because some lawyer somewhere forgot to fax some paper to someone, and the end result is she's waiting on a visa to come back. It may well be after I leave that she gets home, and some of the tasks will be difficult for her to do so far removed from the office. So yeah, there's some amount of panic. (Not on my part, though, since I'll be gone for the worst of it. Ha!). Plus, something in the server just broke, and the sys admin is AWOL, and no one else can fix it. So there's more panic, as I'm the link between our group and the sys admin, so we're hoping she gets back to me soon.
My parents are flying in on February 2 (yet another good reason not to have the baby late...) Which will be nice, as we'll get to visit, but crazy, as I'll be dealing with a newborn and house guests and even less sleep, and I might have to remove the flash from my mother's camera so she doesn't blind the poor kid. :-) Between now and then, I have to figure out whether my dad can negotiate the stairs or if he and mom will need to sleep downstairs, if downstairs, where the mattress will fit, and how to keep the animals off of it.
Dream Psychology So I started reading Freud. I mean, I have this idea that, as a "psychologist", I hsould have some knowledge of his writing. So I started with his book, Dream Pyschology. I'm through the first chapter, and it's... everything I expected from Freud. I don't really know what I think of it so far. Other than I'm pretty sure that my current dreams are more a product of the cough syrup with codine I'm taking at night, and less a product of some secret unfulfilled sexual desire. But that might be just me.
Yeah, still coughing. Did practically nothing this weekend, cause I felt like crap.
I dream like a mad one... Had strange, strange dreams last night.... all the more strange that I can't remember them. I know they included my mom, Brian, Chad, and some random subset of people I knew/know from State. But I can't really put my finger on anything else about them, other than they were strange. Bits and peices are coming back to me, though, but none of it makes sense. And it's kind of annoying, cause I'll be reading a journal article, and all of a sudden I'm like, What the hell were we doing driving Hil's car? And how did we all fit? And where were we going? And then of course, I have totally lost track of what I was reading.
Yeah. That about sums it up today. Not enough sleep last night. And apparently, I scared Chad out of his mind last night by screaming bloody murder because I was dreaming about spiders (I remember very little of this, but he swears it's true).
So I need to pick a concentration. Torn between AI and Software Engineering.
AI: awesome topic, would have no problem coming up with a thesis and/or project, very excited about it... but not so marketable on the Masters level. Most jobs in AI are research, and require a PhD.
Software Engineering: Boring topic. I like the testing and the documentation and stuff, but the project management aspect is killing me. No idea for any kind of thesis/project topic... but very very marketable.
I'm really leaning towards AI, with a certificate in SE... but I'm trying to figure out where I want to go with it. If I want to chase a PhD, I really need to do so before Chad and I decide to have kids... ie, while Chad is still in school.
I don't know... but I can't pick a major professor until I pick a concentration (works like that for some reason).
Yeah. So today was really long, because I had a million classes.... and because I had to limp across campus like, 6 times (I turned my ankle yesterday... or was it the day before?). Long. But somewhat productive, I guess.
Had a weird dream... one of those weird fuzzy dreams where you only remeber bits and peices of it, and it doesn't seem to make sense... yet you know in the dream it made sense, somehow. So... in my dream, I was sitting in this girl's lap, looking at the sky (stars? meteors? Dunno. Pretty sure it was nighttime, though...). Can't tell you much about her... she was wearing glasses, I think? All I know is, it wasn't Jo. Not the same glasses. We were talking about something, but I don't remember what... seemed kind of important in the dream. That's about all I remember... except maybe something about spiders... but that might have been another dream.
Discussion question... anyone ever thought about (or heard about) steganography? (no, this isn't as random as you might think... I actualy had a reason to ask. working on a lab project).
Ha ha! I did it... Now let's see if anyone notices *grin* (those of you out of town don't count, because you can't see me).
Had an interesting thought question in Sunday School this morning... How do you visualize God?
It made me think... I have a hard time attaching a mental picture to God... as I have determined that He is too big to fit in any of my mental boxes, I have never really tired to picture Him. It is enough for me to know He exisits, and to know somehting of His nature. I do not have to know what He looks like. I do, occasionally, like to have a mental picture of someone who I'm talking too... and so, when I am in need of a mental image, I usually picture Jesus. Jesus, being human, is close to something I understand enough to be able to picture. And so I have my little picture of God Incarnate in my head, and I live quite happily most of the time with that.
But if I could picture Him, what would God look like? Only once have I actually attached a mental picture to God Himself... I had a dream where I saw God... or rather, I saw part of His foot... it more than filled the sanctuary at Southwood Pres. in Huntsville. It was an interesting dream... brought on, I'm sure, by falling asleep while reading Isaiah. As to what the rest of God looks like... we will have to wait on that one. Any idea I could come up with would be purely in my own mind...
So it's 5am. And I'm just getting home. Why am I out so late on a school night? Well, for starters, my only class tomorrow got cancelled, so no getting up early for me. But that usually isn't enough to make me break my routine. Sbbn had a paper he wanted me to proof... but I knew that if I decided to go to bed, he wouldn't worry about it. So that's not what kept me up... I have no papers or projects due...
I am up because I don't want to sleep. Sleep has, in effect, become the enemy. Or rather, not sleep itself, but dreams, which tend to be a byproduct of sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could be like normal people, and not remember my dreams... or not dream at all. But the only way I get out of dreaming is if I'm really really tired... I somehow skip the REM thing and get good sleep.
So this evening, a bunch of us were up at the Wesley... and the TV was on, and I was tired... and we were all stretched out on couches and stuff... and I fell asleep. First, let me tell you, the Wesley is an awesome place to sleep. I don't know why, but it is. But, I don't usually let myself fall asleep there, just so I don't freak people out when I wake up. Anyway... I wasn't thinking tonight, and I fell asleep. Which might have been ok... except last night was the first night in like, a month that I hadn't had nightmares... so I slept along fine... then Chad called, and pulled me out of a terribly vivid nightmare. I was so shaken, I couldn't stand up... literally, I stood up and sat down on the floor. When I found my phone, I called Chad back, and managed to talk to him for a minute or two. Which calmed me down, some... but I was still so shakey... I thought I was going to be ill. Matt helped calm me down... and got me somewhat normalised about the time Sbbn showed up. But I was still upset enough to not want to sleep. so I talked to Chad, and piddled around doing homework that I don't have to turn in, and wrote some insightful things (none of which I will post tonight... er... this morning. maybe later). And so I feel somewhat better. And more tired.
And now it's 5am. And I am going to sleep. Wish me luck!
notepad, people. I had to type this in notepad. And I had to go to to the Commons to post it. Because my computer refuses to acknowledge that blogger exists. Grrr.
First, I have to say that Chad is the bestest most wonderful awseomest fiancee ever... and he sent me lots and lots of cool stuff for Valentines Day... He sent me flowers, and a binary clock (w00t!), and a beanie critter (it's *so* cute and fuzzy), and three cards. Lots of cool stuff. That I like very much. Especially the clock... because binary clocks are awesome. Chad 0wnz0r5.
So I had this really interesting dream last night... I could speculate about where it came from... my mind trying to compile the
religious/philisophical conversation Sbbn and I had last night... combined with me still trying to sort out this past weekend... combined with four slices of american cheese right before bed... combined with less than 4 hours of sleep... you can call it whatever. But it was interesting. And terribly vivid. Anyway...
I would like to point out that this dream is rather personal... if that bothers you, then don't read it... I don't know what else to say.
So the dream followed somthing like this:
I was sitting cross-legged on a wall. A short wall, maybe 3 feet high... and wide enough that I can sit facing down the length of the wall without falling off. The sun is shining, it's warm... I can smell the grass, the trees, Earth. I am peaceful. I recognize this place... this is my place, the place in my mind I used to go to talk to God. I look up, and Jesus is also sitting cross-legged on the wall, facing me. He is exactly as I remember Him... but I am different. Every other time I have been here, I have seen myself as a little child... Jesus has picked me up and swung me around, and sat me on his lap to talk. But today I am older... and I feel a little ackward... like I have been away for too long.
Jesus looks at me, His brown eyes searching me... "Where have you been?" He asks me. In my mind, I review all the dark valleys I have trudged through... all the time I've felt alone and unprotected. I try to think of the mountaintops... but can only come up with a few. I am silent, unable to look away from His eyes...
"What do you want from Me, Child?" He asks... And I, again, am silent... tears of shame and guilt fill my eyes... How could I be worthy to be His child? I've run so far... I've done so much... how could I ever ask Him for anything? I look away... Sure that if He sees anymore in my eyes, He'll leave. But He doesn't leave... He moves closer to me. He wipes the tears from my face, He holds me, running his fingers through my hair.
"You are not My child because you are worthy of My love," he says. "You are worthy of My love because you are My child." He paused. "What do you want from Me?" He asks again. I struggle for words.
"I don't want to be alone anymore." I finally whisper. The release of having spoken is enormous... I glance up at His face... and He smiles down at me.
"Deedee... precious child. When have you ever been alone?" My eyes fill with tears again.
"You left me alone once in the woods... You didn't help me."
"I love you, and I would never leave you. It was you who left Me. And yet, still, I was there."
"Then why didn't You do something?" I again look up into his face...
"You never asked." The pain in His eyes is as real as the pain I feel... "It was someone else's name you called." And I remember... as if I could ever forget. I called out to Her... but She didn't answer. I was too proud to admit my mistake...
"But at night... I wake up from the same nightmare alone... where are You then?"
"I am right there with you. But when you wake up, you turn away from Me... And yet, still, I am there." Still in my nightmares, I am too proud to admit my mistakes.
"Why do you let me dream about Columbia... and astronauts?" I shudder, the pictures in my mind so much more vivid than the pictures on the news... voices, images, sounds... it's too much for me to handle. I bury my face in His chest.
"I gave you a sensitive heart... I want you to be able to feel for others. You feel this very deeply. And your feelings manifest themselves in your dreams. It will pass, child... and you will grow because of it."
I don't understand... and yet I feel comforted. And safe. And I wake up refreshed.
If I could just sit with You awhile
I need You to hold me
Nothing can touch me
though I'm wounded though I die.
If You could just sit with me awhile
If You would just hold me
Moment by moment
till forever passes by.
So... yeah. Like I was telling Sbbn last night, I'm not usually one to put a lot of stock in visions and dreams and such... but sometimes there's something more there. Did God actually speak to me in my dream? Or did I just filter in what I knew He would say? Or did my mind just make it up?
Something interesting to think about, I suppose, if nothing else.
Yeah. That's about it. I have this awful feeling that sometime this weekend I'm going to break my rule about not crying in the computer lab... It seems like everything is setting me off... I have cried more in the past three days than I have cried all bloody year... Yeah. So I guess tomorrow, I'll have to give Jeremy the "If I start bawling it's not your fault" speech. Hope I don't freak the dude out...
These coding nightmares are killing me... I tried to nap, but I started dreaming... I was stuck inside a java source file, and I couldn't get out... I was walking through all the member data and methods and everything (Like I was stuck in the computer screen, walking over the text)... I kept tripping over the dadgum curly braces, too.. they were getting caught in my shoelaces like some kind of wild vine or something. Then an SQL exception started chasing me through the code (I know it was an SQL exception, because it looked like a a giant squirrel... dadgum you, William)... I knew if I could make it into the Oracle database, I could hide in the User table I made for the site, and the SQLexception couldn't go there. But first I had to remember the password to get in... and then when I did, I couldn't connect to the database... And the SQL exception was still after me... and I looked at my watch and it was 11:00pm, which means the database was down for backup. For thirty minutes. And I knew I was going to die. The last thing I thought before the SQL exception pounced on me and I woke up was "Damn... Why didn't I just set up a try / catch block?"
And, of course, that made no sense to anyone who has never programmed in Java. But that's ok, you should get the gist of it (If you missed it in all the technical stuff: A giant squirrel was chasing me around a computer screen and I couldn't get away. And the squirrel caught me and did whatever sqirrels do to you when the catch you, but I missed that part, because I woke up).
So yeah... taking lots of drugs does weird things to your dream life.
I hate stupid, pointless assignments. That being said, I also hate stupid people. Especially ones that bug me when I'm having a bad day... and expect me to do their work for them. So there.
So, for the last two days, all I have done is homework (except for an hour or so last night when William came over and I hung out, and today when I grabbed a quick dinner at the Wesley). When I got to lab today at 3:30, I was not in the best of moods, having had two extremely long and, for the most part, unproductive. A heart-to-heart with my lab TA help my mood a little.... but then this guy, who has decided that I'm his lab partner, decided to bug the crap out of me. He wouldn't even read the frickin' lab, he kept asking me what he was supposed to do.... then he wouldn't think about how to solve the problem, and wanted to copy my code... and after the lab TA explicitly told him he couldn't just copy, he needed to work it out for himself, he still bugged me until the TA and I showed him how to modify his code to make it work.... But he was still an ass. And he still pissed me off. But *ha*ha*.... I almost finished my lab, and he didn't get halfway done. So there.
Speaking of asses.... I hate it when people assume the know things about my personal life. They find out Chad was here last weekend, and they asuume that all kind of crap went on, and they feel obligated to ask me about it and say stupid things like, Did you have *fun*? Did you get rugburn on your knees? Do you like to take it up the ass? etc, etc... ad nasuem. People assume that just because Chad and I are dating, certain things happen in our relationship.... and they also assume that our relationship is somehow their business. Ok, everyone, I know this may be a suprise to you... anything that happens between me and Chad stays just that.... between me and Chad. And our God. Not between you and me, or you and your deity, or you and your friends, or you and your imagination. Not that anyone that regularly reads my blog has been a problem.... but just in case the thought ever occured to you, don't ask. Grr.
But dinner at the Wesley was nice. Everyone is worried about my lung problems... everyone's being so nice. Hopefully, Myra (my nurse practitioner) will figure out something to do... this inhaler thingy isn't helping a lot. But i go back to her tomorrow. Damn bats.
And now I do more homework... and more homework... and tomorrow, I will do still more homework. And next semester, I will have buttloads of homework.... but only one lab (yay!!). Note: Never take three labs. You will die. Or wish you had.
I think I'm going to cut (guys read: trim) my hair this weekend. And maybe highlight it some more. We'll see. And I might buy Memento, if I can figure out if Chad has it or not... I dreamed about Guy Pierce last night.... it was odd.
I have no idea why, but for some reason Calhoun violates my sense of social normality. I have actually ended up spending some time there, waiting for class and stuff.... I don't know. Sitting in "the lobby" (which could never be The Lobby, it's too small, and it doesn't have a TV or bleachers) I feel obvious and substandard, and yet somehow superior, but very out of place... Like a half-eaten cucumber sammich on a plate of oatmeal-raisen cookies.
For example, I was sitting on "the porch" (Which could never be The Porch, despite the amount of smoke in the air and the number of freaks there)... and I heard this group (all guys) next to me, talking about roleplaying. So I listened to them for a few minutes, and deduced they were talking about 3rd edition... just swapping character stories and stuff... So I said something to them about roleplaying, and characters.... And apparently, that is a guys only group... or a smokers only group... or something, because they looked at me like I had sprouted a tail. After a couple of minutes of them staring, I was like, ok fine, I didn't want to talk to you anyway, and I left.
The entire "campus" (all one building) is weirdness.... I don;t know how to explain it. It's like, when I walk in, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I get really jumpy. The only place I don't feel like that is in the physics lab... I haven't had the heeby-jeebies that bad since... the end of freshman year, right before (and after) I started dating Nidgle. (Tip: if you already are seeing things in the dark, don't date a guy all in black that creeps everyone out. Just a thought).
Speaking of Nidgle.... He's invaded my dreams the last couple of nights. I have dreamed he died three nights in a row now... which is odd. But even more odd, is that he died the same way every time (self inflicted gun shot wound to the head), but in different locations. And I've found out about it differently every time. So I wonder what's going on there... I thought about trying to e-mail him or something, and see what's going on. But I really don't care to rekindle any friendship we might have had, and I get the distinct inmpression that he doesn't want to talk to me. So I'll sit here and wonder about it until I go mad... or until Walker comes and says "Hey, did you hear about Nidgle?" Depressing.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
