So quickly will I drown / in all the pools of all my reason I am totally the queen of burning bridges. I'm just saying.
Sometimes I know that I'm burning them. I say to myself, "Self, if you do this thing, you will probably forever change this relationship. Are you sure you want to do it?" This isn't always a bad thing. For example, I burned a lot of bridges when I got married. But since I hopefully won't be traveling those same paths... the burned bridges are more or less irrelevant.
Sometimes, though, I have no clue what I'm doing. I blunder blindly through, assuming that I should actually speak my mind for a change. And then, when I've spoken my mind and I'm watching the last of the smoldering embers go out, I say to myself, "Self, WTF? How did this happen? You are totally never allowed to speak your mind again!" Which of course, never actually works. The reason it never works is that one time out of a hundred, speaking my mind actually makes things better. Or makes someone's day better. Or, at least, makes me feel better. And, always the eternal optimist, I forget the other ninety-nine times that I screwed up and cling to the one time I made a difference.
I feel like a million miles away / And I don't know what to say I've been kind of anti-social lately. Not sure exactly why (although being pretty busy has kind of helped it along). Also not sure if I'm really over it. For what it's worth.
Maybe I'm just tired of reaching out. I feel like, all too often lately, I reach out to people only to have them walk off, leaving me standing there with my arm sticking out like an idiot. I guess that's preferable to having them cut my arm off. But, metaphorically speaking, my arms are tired. I'm not sure what the solution to this is, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't to board myself up in my house and become a hermit (and yet that's more or less what I'm doing).
Anyway. If you haven't seen me, that may be why.
In other news... I've been watching Deadliest Catch this season. I don't know why I like that show so much, but I do... it's pretty funny. The dynamics between the guys on each boat are interesting, too. Lots of families. Family dynamics are always interesting.
Summer has hit Houston, humidity and all. Everywhere, that is, except my office. As in, not the building I work in, by my particular room. Where it's like, 50 degrees. and about 72 in the hallway. I'm waiting for little tornadoes to form in my doorway, seriously.
Slow as Christmas... So I have less than two hours until my vacation starts. And I'm totally out of motivation to accomplish things. I was supposed to have a meeting now, but it was canceled... thus furthering my unmotivatedness.
And there are still like, a million things to do when I get home... again, not helping the "get things done now" motivation. *sigh*
Accomplishment. I have accomplished a bunch of stuff today.
I made an eye appointment.
I faxed paperwork to my lawyer.
I sent in life insurance paperwork and the homestead exemption paperwork for our house.
I sent in the renewal for my Dr. Dobbs subscription.
I did the longest stats homework to be assigned this semester (which actually is due tomorrow).
I finished the experiment design for my (5 subject) pilot.
But somehow, I still have an amazing amount of stuff to do. And I feel kinda apathetic about it. Like I would rather go home and go to bed. Maybe if I sleep for like, 2 weeks, the world will sort itself out while I'm asleep and I won't have to deal with any of it.
But I can't. I have a dinner in like, 30 minutes. At least the school is paying for ir...
I wake up and tear drops they fall down like rain... Blah. Been having kinda a blah week, really. I think I'm coming down with something (when am I not?), I've been waaaay stressed out at school (having your ass handed to you on a platter by the departmental progress committee will do that), the realization that New Orleans is never going to fully recover has finally hit me, and it's just been kinda blah.
But this past weekend was awesome. I enjoyed New Orleans Mardis Gras to it's fullest (and by that, I mean the drunken part but not the orgy part. Contrary to popular opinion, I do have a few limits). I caught beads (lots of beads), ate decent New Orleans food (port of call was really busy, so no hamburgers for us), watched parades, walked down Bourbon Street, and drank a drink that was literally more than half as tall as I am. In case you wanted to know, I cannot in fact hold my liquor like He-Man, everything is funnier when you're drunk, my drunken vocabulary mostly consists of the words "totally" and "awesome", and fire is the most totally awesome thing ever to be in a parade. Oh yeah, and I'm never (ever) allowed to drink that much Hurricane again.
But yeah. Back to the humdrum (but not boring, no never boring) life of a grad student. I've finished tonight's homework, and now I'm trying to decide whether to read Eugene Field while taking a bath, or to play Elebits (the greatest Wii game evar).
Oh yeah... all my pictures are broken. I'm working on that, it's annoying, I hsould have it fixed sometime this week (moaybe tomorrow).
Blah. So... I'm not going to post that much since 1) my head and back still hurt, but I'm tired of whining about it. and 2) I haven't done anything of interest this week (see 1).
I did, however, apparently go through some weird rite of initiation or somehting yesterday. I was enrolled for a class... that was supposed to meet at 1pm. I went and sat in the class.... no one showed. no one. So I went to the secretary, and asked her to look it up... right time, right class, right room, 10 people are registered... called the professor who was supposed to be teaching it. She had no idea. Called the former department chair. She said it only meets sometimes, not every week, and someone should be in contact with me. Went to see my advisor, who was like "oh really? That's news to me...". Go figure. Out of 10 students, I was the only one who showed up. I am, however, not the only 1st year who's enrolled. yeah.
Anyway. I have an appointment with a regular doctor on Monday afternoon, to hopefully address this back/headache issue. Hopefuly, something will come of it. Meanwhile, I'm still seeing the chiropractor like, three times a week (five times a day? Who has time for that?).
And the house is still a mess. Unfortunately, it doesn't clean itself.
Blah. So we're leaving for Huntsville tonight, after I get home from work. We might stop partway and spend the night somewhere, but not sure. We threw enough stuff in the suitcase last night to last us the weekend... And Chad's supposed to be calling the neighbor to see if she can watch the animals.
Ran to Huntsville for like, 30-something hours. Saw my sister graduate. And came home. (Also saw David and Nichole for like, 20 minutes... the only thing we chose to do all weekend) :)
Then spent a Saturday at Sixflags (while trying not to die of the worst head cold evar). Had an ok time, ate a corn dog (yay for corn dogs), and some cotton candy (but not as much as I wanted).
Friday, I'm going to a conference on Human Factors at Rice. The nSaturday we're going to Memphis, and we'll be ther until sometime Monday.
Rediscovered facebook. it is teh awesome. Found lots of old high school friends (and middle school friends, and elementary school friends)... having a good time messaging back and forth with them. Also re-connected with some college friends (or at least let them know I was still alive). Peer pressured Chad into being on facebook... working on some other people. :-)
I need more sleep, as usual, and more hours in the day.
Blah. My class today was cancelled, but the teacher didn't send out the e-mail until like, 20 minutes ago, so I'm already on campus. And Chad's truck is *still* in the shop (they promise it will be "put back together" by this afternoon).
But it's ok... we roleplay tonight (theoretically). Which will be awesome.
Blah. Getting somewhat better... I probabaly won't die. Not doing great though... everything wears me out. I'm actually fixing to take a nap. Yay. But first... before I forget them...
Quote of the day (yesterday):
I grab my war mace and head toward the tent. If they were worried, it must have been some big fucking rats.
Quote of the day (today):
So if you found yourself, what exactly would you do with you?
Yeah. That about sums it up today. Not enough sleep last night. And apparently, I scared Chad out of his mind last night by screaming bloody murder because I was dreaming about spiders (I remember very little of this, but he swears it's true).
So I need to pick a concentration. Torn between AI and Software Engineering.
AI: awesome topic, would have no problem coming up with a thesis and/or project, very excited about it... but not so marketable on the Masters level. Most jobs in AI are research, and require a PhD.
Software Engineering: Boring topic. I like the testing and the documentation and stuff, but the project management aspect is killing me. No idea for any kind of thesis/project topic... but very very marketable.
I'm really leaning towards AI, with a certificate in SE... but I'm trying to figure out where I want to go with it. If I want to chase a PhD, I really need to do so before Chad and I decide to have kids... ie, while Chad is still in school.
I don't know... but I can't pick a major professor until I pick a concentration (works like that for some reason).
so few words in the English language with which to say them...
*sigh*
so I'll go to bed, instead of blogging. because I lack the cognative ability to translate thoughts into pixels. and because, if I did manage to write something semi-coherent, no one else would understand it anyway.
Typing takes way too much energy. So I'll keep this short. I'm still sick. I go see the doctor again tomorrow. And unlesI'm actually, like, dead tomorrow I should be in for a half day, at least.
Meanwhile, I'm going to go do someting tha doesn't require any energy. Like maybe sleep.
So I'm still sick. And she says I might have a virus or something. So she said I need to stay home until Thursday and go and see her then if I'm not better. And in the meantime, drink watered down gatorade. Eww.
So I'm still sick. And I'm frustrated, because I can't do anything, and I can't go anywhere... But dadgum it if I'm going to miss another whole week of work. Do doctors understand that part time employees don't get sick days? and that students usually have summer jobs, not because they are bored and need something to do, but because they actually might need the money?
Having said all that, if I feel gross tomorrow morning, I may stay home. But I can't take another three or four days, that's crazy.
So yeah. I'm going to go eat and orange cream pop. Because they are like, the only thing that tastes good right now.
Blah. Being sick sucks. Being sick and having loads of crap to do sucks even worse. Blah.
Myra says I have a bacterial infection... so she's keeping me on the inhaler, and giving me more nightmare antibiotics. Which should be ok, because I don't envision myself sleeping anytime soon anyway.
I have a few dead minutes now... then I have lab from 12-3, and make-up lab from 3-6, then I have to meet Jeremy in the Butler labs at 6... then finish my micro lab (that I didn't finish last night because I ended up talking to Mike for, like, two hours and something)... then study for my Linear test tomorrow... then study for my micro lab test tomorrow... and I have class at 9:30 am tomorrow. Which means that the most amount of sleep I could possibly get, if I forgo eating and showering (which I prolly won't.... I at least need to shower)... is something like 4 1/2 hours. Which is about how much sleep I got last night. And I'll get less sleep on Thursday. Because I have to stay up all night and finish my CSIII project... which is due on Monday. And then I have to study for a Cal test and a circuits test.... both Monday... and a micro test on tuesday. And I'm going home this weekend.
So yeah... I may be posting to fill in the last 15 minutes or so before class, but don't expect to hear too much out of me... unless school gets to me and I fee lthe need to rant. Which is very possible. Eh. We'll see. At least the semester is almost over... that helps.
school is finally over. But somehow, I'm still behind. Blah. Ok, so this was my week last week:
Monday: I have no clue what I did, but I think it involved finals. Two, If I'm not mistaken. Oh yeah, i attempted to start packing and cleaning... and I have a vauge rememberance of being extremely busy, but i have no clue exactly why. hmmm.... Oh yeah, I went to Wal-mart, too.
Tuesday: Spent the morning coooking spagetti sauce. took a karate final (made an A) :-) Went to William's, made lasagna with the spagetti sauce i had made that morning (Yep, that's me... June Cleaver). Ate dinner, hung out with William, watched office space, stayed out late.
Wednesday: Took a final, and then packed and cleaned until I was (literally) sick. Went to dinner with Ian and ELisa, watched Ocean's 11. Went to bed. Elisa ran a red light :-)
Thursday: Got up early, Mom and mandie picked me up at school. We loaded all my crap into the van, went to lunch at Oby's, did some shopping, and headed home. As soon as I got home, turned around and left again to go to a baby shower for one of mom's friends.
Friday: Got up, organized dad's dvd collection. Woke the kids up, started unpacking my stuff out of the van, into the living room (because my sister took over my half of everything... the room, the closet, the dresser. grr). Mom and I went shopping... Then I did some laundry (after I dug my way into the laundry room... I swear, no one does it while I'm gone). Then it was time to get ready for Robbie's Varsity Banquet. So I showered, dressed, and we left for the banquet. Brag time: Rob completed his manuel and four electives... about 2 1/2 years work... all this year. :-) I ran into Joseph Bearden... Hadn't seen him in ages. College seems to have done him good... he doens't seem nearly as shy and frail as he used to. anyway... we had a good chat. Everyone told me I looked good, and how much they had missed me, and asked me how school was, yada yada. And I didn't even have to make a speech :-)
Saturday: More shopping, more laundry, and more Awards banquet. This time it was Mandie's Junior Varsity Banquet. Brag time: Mandie finished the requirements for her Meritorious Award this year... That means she's completed more than six years worth of handbooks. :-) Nothing terribly interesting happened that night...
Sunday: Mother's Day. Went to church, went to dinner with Mom and Granny and Grandmother, smiled till my face hurt. Came home, cleaned out closets, did *more* laundry, moved a second dresser into my room, so i would have a place to put my clothes... folded laundry while watching Fifth Element... contemplated hammering things into the wall, decided to go to be bed instead.
Today: Got up early for work... had to put water in the radiator of dad's car... it leaks. Again. grr. Had to stop by the hospital and pick up my lisence plate, which dad forgot to put on the car. Parked in the tower, only to find out that I couldn't get out without a validation or an employee badge... couldn't find daddy... had to go upstairs and get mom, who was just getting off a 12 hour shift and was pretty tried and a little short tempered... so she helped me get a screwdriver from dad's office, and let me out of the tower... but not before yelling at me and dad (when he showed up) for awhile. So I finally made it out, got to work, got caught up with what's happening here. My cube is in the back corner of the office now (yes, I still have a cube) and it's really quiet. They may move me again in a couple of days. And I htink someone took my stapler. :-) I've been working on a reading list all day long. Hopefully I'll finish the reasearch part of it tomorrow, and can start formatting and coding it.
FYI -- I'm putting a link to William's blog on my page for my benifit... but his page requires a user name and password. If you really want to read his blog, you can e-mail him and ask him for access. :-)
And on that note, I'm going to get back to work. Or something like that.
Oh yeah, for those enquiring minds: I actually did manage to pass everything this semester. Even my evil physics class. :-) Yay for me.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
