I can't find the words to pray / I'm a little down today So I've been really quiet, which is typical - and yet not typical. There has been a lot going on, but long story short, I haven't had to words to explain anything, or the emotional capacity to think through everything enough to find the words. But I'm working on it now, so this will probably be a long long post... it's been a long time coming.
So. Being pregnant. It hasn't been that bad, although I've whined a lot about it to anyone who's gotten too close to me (mostly Chad, though, as I've kind of withdrawn a bit from the rest of the world). Everything is progressing well, the baby is growing great, and the doctor seems happy with all my tests for now. The two biggest problems have been my tiredness... I'm super tired all the time, and can't seem to get enough sleep no matter what. And my emotions. Which is part of why I've withdrawn a bit... when spilling french fries or breaking a nail makes me cry, I have little reserves left to deal with people. And their problems. Or even my own problems.
My dad had a stroke about a month ago. It took the doctors like, three days to figure it out, so by the time they got around to "fixing" it, it was pretty bad. He was in the hospital for more than a week, then went home with no feeling in his right hand, trouble walking, an inability to read at all, some mild confusion, and vision loss on his right side. And a pretty serious case of depression. After a couple of weeks at home, and starting physical therapy, and improving a little... he had another stroke. This one has left him much more confused... I've talked to him a half dozen times in the last week, and every time he asks me at least twice when the baby is due. He's not always sure why he's in the hospital, or even where he is. They moved him from the regular hospital (where he's been for a week) to the rehab hospital late last week, and they're working him pretty hard there. It doesn't look like he'll be going back to work. Mom's holding up pretty well, but she's really starting to wear thin. She's trying to decide whether to switch jobs to make a little more money and keep better insurance, or to keep her current job (which she's only marginally happy with). Since she's the sole breadwinner for the time being, at least, she feels like she's under a lot of pressure.
This has caused me a great amount of stress aver the last month, as I'm not exactly in a position to drop everything and run to Huntsville to help out, and not in an emotional state to really be much help even if I went. Practically speaking, I have 6 days of vacation left for the year. To match Chad's time off at Christmas, even though we aren't traveling, I'll need five of those. That leaves one lonely vacation day. Chad and I have talked about going home over a weekend... driving in to Huntsville on Friday, picking up a U-Haul trailer to hold stuff we need to bring back, and coming back through Memphis - arriving home Monday, having spent about 24 hours with each set of parents, and about 30 hours on the road. This, you might have noticed, takes two vacation days, which puts me short at Christmas, which I think at this point is inevitable. Add to this the complication that there's a wedding in Huntsville in early November that I'm kind of expected to attend (except it's not really a wedding, I suppose, but that's another story). Plus, the longer we wait, the more uncomfortable I'll be traveling. And thus the more whining Chad will have to endure on the drive.
So the long and short of this becomes... when do I go home? Later, to meet family obligations to attend a wedding, and when my dad might be a little better (if he doesn't get worse)? Or earlier, when I can (possibly) be more help, and will be more comfortable, but will miss the other family events?
Blah. To complicate this even more, I'm not sure my folks will be here for Thanksgiving, as I'm not sure they'll have the money to travel, or that Dad will be well enough to travel. And since I can't go home at all in December or January, that was supposed to be Christmas for us. And I don't know if my mom will be able to come out for as long as she was planning to in February to help with/see the baby. And Chad's parents haven't made any plans to come visit us before the end of the year, or after the baby comes (they will, I'm sure, but no plans yet). So me going home is my big chance to visit, until I'm able to travel with the baby, which will be like, the middle or end of March, at best.
So yeah, words have failed me lately. Life, it seems, goes on day by day, regardless of everything else. And day to day, life isn't all that bad. It when you lump all the days together that it starts to get overwhelming, I guess.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
: Tuesday, September 09, 2008 8:01:00 AM
