Maybe I push when I meant to be still / Maybe I take it all too personal In general, I over-analyze things. By "things" here, I mean everything: conversations, emails, body language, the importance of what is for dinner, etc. I have this sometimes crippling fear that someone, somewhere, will be mad at me for something. That they (whoever they are), in fact, might be mad at me right at this very moment. So I spend a great deal more time than I should trying to figure out who (if anyone) is mad at me, and what I did to cause this, and how I can make it better.
Amazingly often, I talk myself into believing that someone is mad at me (even when they aren't), and I get all stressed out about it, and (when I've exhausted my other options for trying to make this better without actually communicating the fact that I think they are mad at me) I resort to some more adult method of dealing with my problems: I avoid said people in person while saying vague, snarky, passive-aggressive things about them on my blog. Then, if (by chance) I find out that they were not, in fact, mad at me in the first place, I feel guilty.
Occasionally, though, I don't realize that people are mad at me until long after the fact, when whatever it was that made them mad in the first place is now so huge that it causes them to avoid me entirely. Then I feel guilty for having missed whatever secret sign that I was looking for in all my over-analyzing. All the while, telling everyone else that it doesn't really bother me.
The moral of the story? I should stop over-analyzing and get over myself :-) Generally, I don't get it right, and even if I do I can't really change anything. People who value relationships generally will let you know when you've seriously upset them (you know, before they can't stand being around you any more).
That being said, I really enjoyed church yesterday. It was the first time I'd really felt home there... I don't know how to describe it. It was nice to have people stop to talk to me and know my name. Joining a women's small group wasn't what I expected, but I'm glad I've stuck with it... it has certainly helped with feeling like I'm a part of something, and is encouraging me to reach out into other small groups.
My mission for the year: don't over-analyze interactions with people at church. They aren't all mad at me.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
: Tuesday, April 08, 2008 9:45:00 AM
