Cause perfect only makes you crazy / There is no way that it can save me
By an interesting set of happenstances, it looks as thought I may have a great deal of free time this weekend. (Assuming you can count any time spent baby wrangling as "free time", anyway). My goals: Not to watch too much TV, to actually accomplish something, and possibly several somethings. More to prove I *can* than anything else. We'll see how that actually works out.
Brianna's doing fine, still fat and happy and we finally got rid of the ear infections. Yay! She's sitting very well now, and trying to pull herself up to a sitting position from laying down (she still needs some help). She loves her solid food, and has been eating like a champ (even prunes!). But not sleeping. Combinations of snuggling her lovey and being swung on the porch swing usually get her to go to sleep... but staying asleep is another story - we've been up 4-5 times several nights, and it sucks (for me anyway). So yeah. Might impact the "getting stuff done" goals of this weekend.
More geek humor, because that's the kind of girl I am.
It seems I spend a lot of time these days asking myself questions - and typically ones that don't have good answers (and mostly parenting related these days). Stuff like, Am I doing this *right*? Do I feed her enough? Too much? Do they feed her too much at daycare? Why am I so behind? Should we be doing more educational activities, whatever that means? Should she still be using a paci? Should she be using a sippy cup? Am I ruining her teeth by letting her nurse to sleep at night? Why are we not sleepign through the night? Will I ever have time to read The No Cry Sleep Solution, to try to solve this? Do we want more kids? When? Should I get a new ob/gyn? When am I going to make it to the dentist? When do I need to take the baby to the dentist? ... ... ... Most of these questions occur to me at like, 4am. Not conducive to great problem solving. But, I guess it all goes with the territory.
I joined a scrapbooking group, which has been fun. they meet a couple times a month to work on pages and socialize and stuff, so I went last weekend and had a great time (even if I only got one page done). It's odd to get out and be social again - I'm kind of out of my comfort zone, but that might be a good thing.
Also went to the local La Leche League meeting - again more being social. They were really nice, not the crazy-breastfeeding-nazi people that I half expected, lol. Lots of good information, and good discussion with other mommies. Still haven't solved my supply problem, but at least I know I'm not alone. And I'm getting out! And talking to people! So I feel a little less isolated.
And I have more socialness this weekend - there's a Women's Tea at church for the new preacher's wife, and I signed up to help, and to bring finger sammiches (which means Sunday morning will be more crazier than usual, lol). Slowly, I'm getting the hang of this whole non-hermit thing. It was so much easier in college... there, you had to work to be a hermit. In the real world, you have to work *not* to be. So Yeah. I'm working on it :-)
I'm not a princess / This ain't a fairy tale This.
Seriously. I mope a lot sometimes ("a lot sometimes"... does that even make sense?) that I don't have time / space / energy to maintain the kind of fierce oh-it's-3am-and-you-need-to-talk?-No-problem! friendships that I had in college. I mean, sure, I have friends now. A few even live in the same town, imagine that. But between the job, the commute, the baby, and the husband (who has his own job and commute) - I feel sometimes like I don't see everyone. Or anyone. Or have time to actually have any kind of meaningful relationship. Even my bible study group (which I love!) has been a little more distant this year, in part due to the fact that we're meeting on Wednesdays and have limited time, and in part due to the fact that I missed like, 2 months or something while I was still getting my feet under me after Brianna was born. So sometimes I feel a little... detached.
So yeah. nice to know I'm not the only one. And to be reminded that (while people and outside relationships are important)... I can still be "attached" to Someone, even when I don't feel it. And maybe that detached feeling... is actually a sign that I should explore exactly where my comfort and security are coming from, and make sure my priorities are in line with what they should be.
Maybe I push when I meant to be still / Maybe I take it all too personal In general, I over-analyze things. By "things" here, I mean everything: conversations, emails, body language, the importance of what is for dinner, etc. I have this sometimes crippling fear that someone, somewhere, will be mad at me for something. That they (whoever they are), in fact, might be mad at me right at this very moment. So I spend a great deal more time than I should trying to figure out who (if anyone) is mad at me, and what I did to cause this, and how I can make it better.
Amazingly often, I talk myself into believing that someone is mad at me (even when they aren't), and I get all stressed out about it, and (when I've exhausted my other options for trying to make this better without actually communicating the fact that I think they are mad at me) I resort to some more adult method of dealing with my problems: I avoid said people in person while saying vague, snarky, passive-aggressive things about them on my blog. Then, if (by chance) I find out that they were not, in fact, mad at me in the first place, I feel guilty.
Occasionally, though, I don't realize that people are mad at me until long after the fact, when whatever it was that made them mad in the first place is now so huge that it causes them to avoid me entirely. Then I feel guilty for having missed whatever secret sign that I was looking for in all my over-analyzing. All the while, telling everyone else that it doesn't really bother me.
The moral of the story? I should stop over-analyzing and get over myself :-) Generally, I don't get it right, and even if I do I can't really change anything. People who value relationships generally will let you know when you've seriously upset them (you know, before they can't stand being around you any more).
That being said, I really enjoyed church yesterday. It was the first time I'd really felt home there... I don't know how to describe it. It was nice to have people stop to talk to me and know my name. Joining a women's small group wasn't what I expected, but I'm glad I've stuck with it... it has certainly helped with feeling like I'm a part of something, and is encouraging me to reach out into other small groups.
My mission for the year: don't over-analyze interactions with people at church. They aren't all mad at me.
Right and left it's all the same conspiracy / just cause you ask, doesn't make a difference to me Did my civic duty and voted yesterday. Not that it really mattered much... I always was one to go for the under dog :-) I had an unrelated excuse to work from home, so I was able to go to the polls at an off-peak time, and mostly avoid the lines. This also meant that I was the only person in my party at the polls who was under, like, 100 years old. (This probably holds true for the other party, as well, but I didn't sneak over to their side of the building to look)
I went to the first meeting of that Tuesday night women's bible study last night... it looks like it's going to be a good group, but (as of last night) there isn't really anyone my age. And I'm the only one without kids. But everyone seemed happy to have me there anyway. Interestingly enough, there was a woman there who had recently moved from Starkville. So we sat and talked about places we ate and shopped in Starkville, and where exactly we lived.
Somehow, the year has gotten away from me. I was pretty sure it was still the middle of January, and then people started asking me what I want for my birthday, and reminding us to nail down our summer travel plans (since we're looking at traveling in May)... How did it get to be March already?
And in the air the fireflies / Our only light in paradise I ate Brussels sprouts for the first time in literally years last night. They were awesome, just like I remembered only better. Thank you, Bird’s Eye, for inventing single serving frozen veggies that cook in the bag in like, a minute. Actually, frozen veggies in general are pretty awesome. Tastes almost as good as fresh, and I don’t have to worry about them going bad in the crisper while I get around to eating them.
I joined a Curves studio down the road from my house… I’m now working out 3+ times a week. So far, it has been pretty good. On the off days I‘m trying to do something aerobic, but that’s been kind of hit-and-miss the last two weeks. At least I’m doing something. (That’s what I keep telling myself).
This week, I picked back up Kingdom Hearts II, noting that there will be a sequel coming out at some point that will actually fit in the timeline right before the game I’m playing. I figure I should actually beat this one before the sequel comes out, so I can justify buying it. I managed to get to Johnny Depp world (Pirates of the Caribbean), but I haven’t beaten it yet. Almost 12 hours into the game, and I still had to have Chad explain to me what was going on in the plot (to be fair, he had to look it up online to figure it out).
I’m joining a women’s bible study starting next week… should be interesting, and will give me a chance to interact with some more people who might or might not be my age (the jury’s still out on the age thing). The woman who’s running the study has been married for something like 15 or 20 years, so I would guess she’s quite a bit older than I am, but younger than my mother. I’m hoping there’s a good mix of ages in this group (that always makes it more interesting), but that I’m not the only young married chick without kids (it’s less lonely that way).
I’ve been thinking for a while that I really miss State. I came to the conclusion the other day, while talking to a friend, that I probably do miss State somewhat… but what I really miss isn’t Abner’s, SEC football, the Union, or the Drill Field, but feeling like I really belonged someplace. Like I was supposed to be there, and like I was part of a community. When we moved to Texas, I kind of retreated into my own world, mostly because I didn’t feel there was a good community to be a part of. And I’ve missed that feeling… so I’m trying to reach out of my now tiny comfort zone, and find a community. It was easy at school… we were all basically the same age, and dealing with basically the same set of experiences. In the real world it’s hard. But not, I think, unattainable. And probably worth the extra effort.
When it rains, it pours. Actually.... I wish it would rain. Not only because I like rain (interesting side note... I'm the one that likes rain, but Chad's the water baby. Go figure)... but rain tends to cool things off. And that would be much appreciated right now *glances upward, hopefully* *shakes head*
So I actually wrote a little last night. Not like, blog writing, or journal writing, or writing wrongs... no wait... that last one was off. Anyway, the point is, I wrote. Not much. But some. I think Neverwinter Nights has reawakened something... even though I haven;t had time to bring Arianell through anything past 3rd level due to the fact that I play on my sister's computer...
So yeah. Interesting. I'm not much of a writer. But I enjoy it... As long as no one else reads it. There's nothing worse than watching someone else read your work... Although Chad's read some of my "poetry" (I use the term rather loosely), and he didn't have anything terrible to say about it. And I wrote a fairly passable short story once, for creative writing. About a family in the Warsaw Ghetto... fairly depressing, but my teacher said it was well written. But of course, no one in my clas knew what it was about. They were all like, Dude why are these people sewing yellow stars on their jackets? What year did this take place? What state is Warsaw in? *sigh*
I don't know... I might let someone read this, when I finish. it may not turn out to be much... just another random sword and sorcery type story...
If I ever finish. Yeah.... Don't tell Elisa I started on anything. Thats all I need right now... another lecture on how I've never finished anything in my life. (My attempts to point out that I finished high school have been totally ignored).
So I'm going to church tomorrow. With my Grandmother. Not sure exactly how I feel about that yet... at least it'll get me out of the house, I suppose. And it's slightly better than going to my parent's church. At least the people are friendly... I dunno. Church and I haven't been getting along too well this summer. I have a church at school that I like a lot... this is more or less the last time I'm going to spend any appreciable time at home... so why fight to find a church here now? I like the new preacher at Calvary, but the church itself, and to some extent its people, hold way too many memories for me to ever be really comfortable there again. Other than going for AWANA on Wednesday nights... and even that has become depressing, as everyone I knew there is gone. Even most of my brother's friends have graduated. Grandmother's church is... well, Grandmother's church. Everyone there has known me since I was born, practically. And they all expect me to look and act a certain way... and I'm afraid I'm not going to fit that picture they have of me. But, the church itself isn't an uncomfortable place to be, which I suppose is good, since I plan on getting married there. I just wouldn't want to go there every Sunday. Actually... this summer, I haven't wanted to go anywhere every Sunday. I haven't wanted to get all dressed up and go and sit still through church, and then smile at everyone and shake their hands on the way out.... blah. People. Haven't wanted to deal with people.
And yet, at the same time, I want to be at school because there are people there. wierd, eh?
But yeah. I've probably written too much. So I'll go away now... probably take a shower or something...
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
