I have no fear of drowning / It's the breathing that's taking all this work So the Biggest Loser thing.
I suck at it this week. Here's what I did:
Ate salads for lunch when I was in the office (turned out to be twice, due to sickness - both me and the baby).
Ate healthier dinners. Only had fast food ONCE.
Ate a crap-ton of veggies.
Drank a crazy amount of water.
Did 2 yoga classes and a Zumba class. Was very very sore.
Ate ONE PIECE of chocolate cake. At a party.
End result? I gained three pounds. Suck.
So this week? I'm taking the stairs, and hoping to get more workouts in. Trying to eat more healthy (and less overall, I guess?). This whole thing is complicated by the fact that I'm breastfeeding, so I can't just cut my calories in half and burn it all off... I still have to take in "enough", or my supply will tank - and I'm having enough problems right now, I'd rather not add to them.
So. Hopefully burning a few more calories will help. And maybe eating a few less. Alreay have one Zumba class under my belt... so that's something.
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out / Every word they speak... It's funny how the smallest thing someone says can really get to you. In good ways, as well as bad (although more often the former, I guess).
For instance. The other day, I got a voice mail message from someone... not a personal voice mail from someone who directly called my phone, but a voice mail that was sent out to a somewhat large group of people. The message, for the most part, didn't even pertain to me. But at the end of the message, there were four words that made me feel really really good (which is completely nonsensical, based on the distribution of the message, etc). "I'm thankful for you". A very small thing... but it really made my day. For the rest of the day, when I got tired or was having a rough time, I thought back to the message... and the fact that someone was thankful for me. Not for my work, or my skills, or what I had done... for ME. And that, for whatever reason, means something to me.
Six things I'll never get tired of hearing:
I love you
I'm so glad you came
I appreciate you
I miss you
I'm praying for you/thinking about you
I'm thankful for you
Seriously... it's all the little things that keep me from drowning in the vast chaos of life. Without them, I would truly be lost.
It's just enough to be strong / in the broken places... yeah. Working on that. Today isn't the best day for it...
Anyway. I forgot to mention that my last post was the 1000th post. Yay for me! or something.
Working on Stats, listening to Lily Holbrook, talking on the phone... yeah. Supposed to be doing lots of other stuff, but I'm not moving fast enough or something... who knows.
the ice is thin enough for walkin' the rope is worn enough to climb throat is dry enough for talkin' world is crumblin', but i know why world is crumblin', but i know why
storm is wild enough for sailing bridge is weak enough to cross this body frail enough for fighting i'm home enough to know i'm lost home enough to know i'm lost ~Jars of Clay
While we pray to the god of the lesser things... I talked to my mom last night... which is always interesting. Apparently, Chad and I have caused a stir with the relatives (that is to say, my dad's relatives) by not planning to be in Huntsville on December 25th. So now, the whole world (which is to say, the Glasscocks, the Jacksons, and the Cambpells) is in an uproar, and Christmas is in the process of being moved. To some unknown time. I have an equation for this...
(5 Glasscocks + 5 Jacksons + 2 Campbells + 2 Hammons) = (10 fulltime jobs + 4 part time jobs + 3 full time students + 1 business owner + 5 sets of in-laws) = impossible to find a time when we can all be together.
My mother seesm to think I really have my life in order, too, which is funny... I guess she just sees her little girl, grown-up, married, owning a house and going to school somewhere that no normal person can afford (hell, I can barely afford it, and I'm not paying tution). And I see... I don't know. Someone who's still wondering how she got a license to be a "grown-up" in the first place... I mean, who really thought that was a good idea? Someday, someone will figure out that I'm really a little kid running around pretending to be a grown-up... and they will revoke my grown-up card. And then where will I be?
I guess talking to my mother makes me introspective or something... who knows.
So I finished my final paper for I/O at like, 11:30 or so last night. Yay for meeting deadlines (by the skin of my teeth, but still). And now I have to go turn it in... this is the last week of class. Yay! (or something).
Um.... yeah. interesting image from PostSecret, sums up my thought on lots of things.
And the lyrics (or portions of them) from the song I took my title from.... one my mind since the wind has been blowing like crazy (cold wind, too.... brrrr).
It looks a lot like givin' up Peace we bring is a bitter cup Set our bodies down like offerings While we pray to the god of lesser things
If the wind should shake this house apart The cradle hits the ground with a broken heart Will we say we never knew a thing? While we pray to the god of the lesser things
Ash to ash and dust to dust Steel on steel or rain to rust What mortal breath blood money brings Forth from the altar of the lesser things ~ Jars of Clay
Oh yeah... busting it old school style... In my Winamp: dcTalk, Newsboys, Skillet, Five Iron Frenzy, Seven Day Jesus, Jars of Clay. *sigh* Memories... Not that I miss high school in general... but there are a few things I miss, a couple of people I wish I hadn't lost touch with.
The Butterfly Song... lol... one time, a bunch of us were playing Taboo at a get together thing (I guess it would have to have been the beginning of my senior year in High School)... and Daniel was up, and he got the word "butterfly." Being the only two people who had ever listened to Seven Day Jesus (it hadn't really hit Alabama then... I had brought a CD back from California, and had made Daniel listen to it because he was my bestest friend)... we had somewhat of an advantage... it was the single shortest round in the whole game. Daniel looked at me and said, "I want to be a...." and I filled in the missing word. from that point on, Daniel and I were never allowed to be on the same team *grin*. what happened to Daniel? Looked for him online the other day... found his e-mail at Troy State... e-mailed him, but no reply.
Jesus Freak... I remember the Varsity Trip (spring of my senior year) that Katie, Julie, Deidre and I sat in the back of the bus and sang dcTalk songs for almost the whole trip from Huntsville, AL to Greenville, SC... Steven finally made us stop on about our 6th time through Jesus Freak. Then, the whole way back, Deidre played random recognizable tunes on her straw slide (made from one Burger King straw and one McD's straw)... Steven made her stop that when she figured out how to play the Jeopardy Theme.
Love Liberty Disco... I tried to teach Elisa how to dance to this song... Hillary used to play it all the time. And make fun of me because I couldn't dance.... I wonder where Hil is....
Shine... My theme song freshamn year of high school... right after my dad explained to me that when I sat at youth group and no one talked to me because I was the Missionary's Kid, I wasn't on the outside looking in at everyone having fun... I was on the inside, looking out at all the people outside in the cold. Which was very comforting. Especially when we went to Chicago, and they put me in the Chaperone's van. I was really hurt for a while... but i had fun, Daddy was a chaperone, and we stuck together. And after the fact, when I learned what had gone on in the kid's van, I was happy to have been in the chaperone's van. That time, I really was on the inside looking out.
Evolution... The time Geoff Moore and The Distance gave a concert after the Stars game... I went to the game, and ended up talking to Miss Nancy, Tim, and Jeremy all evening... then listening to the concert... and became good friends with Tim and Jeremy... Tim's married now... Jeremy is in the military, stationed in Afganistan last I heard... Miss Nancy and my sister are now best friends...
Lean on me... dcTalk style. Catherine, Beka and I used to sing this all the time... complete with motions... usually while brushing our teeth... Now that was funny.
You know what I don't have? That I can't find anywhere? The Holy Books... by James Ward. Or Love Command... he did both of them. As far as I know, those are the only two songs he released... but they were big in the ghetto in St. Louis when I lived there. *sigh*... I guess they never made it into electronic format... probably mom has a cassette somewhere. Maybe.
So now I know why people in my dorm (including me) have been sick all semester.... we have an infestation of bats (like, more than 200 of them) in the walls on the top floors, and they are doing wonderful things to the air conditioning ducts.... and all that wonderful (and aromatic) bacteria is blowing through the vents onto us, the students that pay for this crap, no pun intended. What is The University doing about it? Ummm... at the moment, nothing... they are thinking about using poison, but their not sure how that's going to sit with the Alumni (think of all those poor helpless bats)... traps are out of the question... there's too many, for one thing.
So my question is this.... why do they charge me exorbitant fees to live in this dorm? Why do I put up with this? How did the bats get in the walls in the first place? Why do I not hear them at night? Are they fruit bats? Was the boy injured? Is the canoe wood, or aluminum? .... wait, off subject...
I feel really far away from everything today... don't know why. I'm away from my family, when I feel like they need me... I'm away from Chad, because I'm still in school... I'm away from Elisa, because, lets face it, we haven't really communicated in the last year or so... I'm away from most of the Wesley crowd, because they are all in Southaven/Memphis this weekend for the Willie Nelson concert... I just feel distant. Detached. Out of place. I can't concentrate on anything.... except bats. I'm really not that far away from the bats. Not that I mind bats... their kind of cool, when they aren't carrying rabies... and aren't in my dorm. Grr.
Take, take till there's nothing, nothing to turn to.
Nothing when You get through.
Won't You break, scatter pieces of all I've been.
Bowing to all I've been running to.
I, I got a question.
I got a question - Where are You?
Did you leave me unbreakable?
Leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold.
I thought You were silent.
I thought You left me for the wreckage and the waste.
On an empty beach of faith.
Was it true?
Scream, deeper I wanna scream.
I want You to hear me, I want You to find me.
I want to believe but all I pray is wrong
and all I claim is gone.
I, I got a question.
I got a question - Where are You?
Where are You?
--Jars Of Clay, Silence
Images on the sidewalk
Speak of dream's descent
Washed away by the storms
To graves of cynical lament
Dirty canvases to call my own
Protest limericks carved
By the old pay phone
And in your picture book
I'm trying hard to see
Turning endless pages
Of this tragedy
Sculpting every move
You compose a symphony
And you plead to everyone
See the art in me
Broken stained glass windows
The fragments ramble on
Tales of broken souls
An eternity's been won
As critics scorn the thoughts
And works of mortal man
My eyes have drawn to you
In awe once again
--Jars of Clay
So today is an interesting day... I'm in a odd, introspective mood... Don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet... we'll see.
On a happy note, my mommy bought me enough food to feed an army... so I'll have food when I go to school. That'll be good. maybe I won't kill my roommate. Maybe.
This is my brain..... in part, at least.
